Sunday, July 26, 2015

謝謝你的溫柔,謝謝你的好。


謝謝你的溫柔,謝謝你的好。
對不起我害你傷心,害你哭,害你的情緒好亂。
一直回來打擾你。
謝謝你給過我的一切,你的好,你的耐心,體貼,溫柔,我都會好好記在心裡的。
給個一年吧,看我們會在那裡,要是有緣的話,一年之後的我們有可能會再度相會吧。
我終於懂的放手了,雖然很痛,但我懂得了。可能時間會讓我們忘記以前的我們吧。
忘記了,就能重新開始嗎?
還是那時的我們已經太晚了?
因為我知道現在的我們已經太晚了。
生命很短,你教我的,別活在過去,應該要珍惜現在的每一切。
誰知道明天會有什麼事情發生。指望我們未來有緣吧。再見了。

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

你是怎麼弄丟了曾深愛的她的...

你是怎麼弄丟了曾深愛的她的

剛到手的時候疼人家到骨子裡去,每天給她打十幾個電話,發幾十條信息,她說什麼你都銘記在心,想吃什麼、想買什麼、想去哪裡你都會盡全力去滿足,溫柔體貼無微不至,巴不得二十四個小時都能跟她呆在一起;一開始總是包容的,就算她的生活習慣與你不同也會努力的調試配合,一切一切都是美好的……

  久了,膩了!每天別說幾十個電話,就連1個電話都懶得打,打電話時只說具體情況,把那些覺得無關要緊的“情趣”話都省了;信息就更不用說了,她發10條你回有一半你就覺得你回的已經夠多了,就連她打電話給你你都覺得她啰嗦!

  你不會再為她想吃早點而早早起床,你不會再為她排隊買她想要東西,你不會專門請假帶她去她想去的地方,你會覺得她什麼事都依賴著你,讓你覺得她麻煩事特多!

  接著你會發現她的缺點越來越多,她的優點快被她的缺點掩蓋,你快忍無可忍!最後,厭了!瀟灑的用“分手吧!”一句簡單的言語結束了復雜的感情;或耗著等著,直到有一天她受不了忽冷忽熱或若即若離的態度自己選擇離開,你還可以說是她自己離你而去,你沒有負心……

  男人,你記不記得你曾經說過:“我永遠都會對你這麼好,一輩子都這樣愛著你寵著你!”
  不是她麻煩事特多,是你一開始就說得做得太到位,才會讓她依賴上你!你記不記得你曾經說過:“不管多晚,睡不著都可以打電話給我,我的手機24小時都為你開機!”
  那你又嫌她不體貼,白天工作的時候打電話打擾到你,辛苦了一天晚上要睡覺了她還纏著你不肯掛線。是誰讓她養成何時何地想打電話給你就打電話給你的習慣?

  她無理取鬧。
  那是因為從某一個時間段你的態度變了,你開始冷落她了;讓她覺得沒了安全感,由使她起疑心!不是她不信任你,不給你空間,而是她愛你,在乎你,用盡所有時間去關心你,你的生活細微改變都牽扯著她的情緒!

  她脾氣不好。
  那是因為她有很多時候知道了很多事情,但你不說,她都選擇沉默,在一直沉默;積壓到一定的時間她們就會爆發心中的所有怨氣;要知道,這一些都不是她脾氣不好,是你不夠細心發覺,她們是一直積壓下來的!

  她不再跟以前一樣動人。
  當初是誰說不喜歡她每天變化多端像只花蝴蝶,是誰說喜歡她素顏的清純模樣?雖說喜新厭舊是人性,除了毛主席跟古董以外,什麼東西看久了都會審美疲勞;但她不是東西,她是個活生生有著感情的人!

  你不再給她答案,不再給她承諾,不希望你以後做不到讓這些答案跟承諾變成謊言!
  那你以前又給她那麼多答案,給她那麼多承諾,現在為自己鋪好後路可以前承諾過的叫她怎麼忘記?女人不怕諾言沒實現,怕的是你承諾了又不去實現,最後實不實現是另一個問題!

  你忙,你沒時間沒精力討好她,你不知道她現在在想什麼?
  那你以前不忙嗎?你以前是不是就把全部時間用來討好她而不用工作?那你以前怎麼都那麼細心觀察她在想什麼?

  你覺得你們不配,你不想她再浪費感情在這段沒結果的愛情上。那你一開始追她干嘛?做實驗啊?她都已經浪費這麼多感情了,你當感情是水龍頭啊,說開就開說關就關!對,這一切都是你給自己找的借口!別以為換個女朋友就可以永遠擺脫那種感情暗淡時期,因為不久的將來你還是得回到這種時光,下個女朋友也是,下下個女朋友也是,下下下個女朋友也是,有種你一輩子不談戀愛不結婚……

  男人們,看完了回想一下你們的那段美好時光,趁現在沒有人偷偷想想是不是你們給自己找借口了?那個以前深愛的女人現在就那麼不值得你愛了麼?別說你瞎了狗眼以前才會跟她在一起,因為你沒瞎,也請不要侮辱到狗!後悔分手的趕快努力從新追回來,以後用心經營著共有的感情!其實女人要的很簡單,只想要一個愛自己男人就夠了……想要分手的考慮清楚,並不是每段感情都可以挽回的!考慮太久也不行,因為她們可以忍耐你冷落她一段時間,但不會一輩子傻下去;她們再怎麼傻,也會給自己一個時間段,去忍受你的冷落,去相信你的愛;但時間一到,她們會毫不猶豫的離開,到那時再多的甜言蜜語都沒有用了,因為這世界上沒有誰離開誰就活不了!

  戀愛中的,好好珍惜現在那個願意照顧你,體諒你,願意陪你承擔風雨的傻女人吧!過了這個村,或許就沒這個店了……

  到時間結婚的就結婚吧,不要再拖拖拉拉婆婆媽媽;結婚證一領就像買了保險,至少心裡都有底了……

  愛情,就像煮粥!滾燙的時候加點配料它就是夠火候又有滋有味的;等到忘記關火煮焦了的時候,你聞都不想聞它甚至你連鍋都想把它扔了……

  看好你的火吧。
  我只能說……我看了痛哭啊……


source ):

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

is love real?

i look at dramas,
i look at couples,
i look at fictionals,
i look at the mirror,
i look at you and me,
are we really like them?
are we really in love?
are we really meant to be?

if we are,
why isnt my heart racing for you?
why aren't my face blushing for you?
why arent I excited to a point I would jump around?
why cant I always smile when I see your face?
why do I cry sometimes because of you?

so many whys, so little answers.

so if we were really meant to be,
then why are you questioning our relationship?
why are you asking things like if I'm afraid of losing you to someone better one day?
if you really trust our love why will you be worried?
if i were really going to run off with someone else,
I would have done it long time ago,
I wouldnt have waited till now to do things,
I wouldnt have stayed with you through all the storms.
I would have given up and ran off.

So through all these trouble,
why cant you see,
that I am here for you,
no matter for rich or for poorer,
for sickness or health.

Appearantly your insecure is still there,
apperantly my love for you isnt enough,
maybe its just me.
maybe i just think too much.
i wish sometimes you would have more faith in me,
just sometimes.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Confused and lost in denial..

Sometimes we tend to be in denial really often,
thinking that we can undo what was done,
thinking that maybe things would turn and change,
thinking that life can still be the same.

What we dont know was,
that these werent the reality,
just something you desire,
somemthing you wished for and craved for,
something you like to convience yourself its true.

Where's that real part of me?
Where is the part of me that is expressing the real feeling?
Why can't I feel any of those.
Why am I so confused standing here,
by myself.

Do I deserve this?
Do I even deserve love?
Please can someone please tell me what to do?
Can someone please?

Monday, December 17, 2012

Money status.

I look around, and found myself where I started,
the around looks so strange to me,
maybe its because I am not used to this.
The people I thought I knew before
the places I thought I been before,
they're all gone,
shattered,
and disappeared .

I thought that she, among everyone else knew me the best,
but then maybe, family, not by purely just dont do.
When its not pure, jealousy will be in the way,
thus cause the inner war, that was never to be set.

Was it wrong to stick with what I have believed in?
Was in wrong to think that maybe, just maybe money value is more different?
Maybe some people are right,
money do change people,
money to control people.
when you have a lot of money,
when you're wealthy,
the little you give, counts a lot, and thus makes you the kindest.
when you have a little money,
and you give as much as you can,
or maybe, sometimes just that thought,
people may think you're greedy,
and just turn aside and talk behind your back.
Money status,
money status,
in the year 2012 and beyond,
it may be everything.




What is money status?

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

College Fresh Journal 1

     College, such a strange term, higher education they say, but to me things are worst in college than in high school. In all the classes, I tend to felt left out, everyone there have so many friends, and even in class, meanwhile I on the other hand always seem like the one who is left out, the one who doesnt belong in the group. I often ask myself, what is the cause? Is it my fault? Am I just not socially fit to be around?
      Everytime when me and my group of friends I met in college hang out, eventually as we walk together, the group will start forming two by twos, and then I will be the extra thrid, or the lonely one, but rarely the two by twos. Sometimes I get jealous, and sometimes I am just simply confused, why arent I able to be in groups with them? Then some sudden realization hit me, I am just not cut for it.
      But when today, missing a test in college japanese class, I got two text from two different friends, asking for my where abouts, and telling me, reminding me that there's a test today. I suddenly felt so warm inside, so happy. It's those unexpected thoughts that makes up for your terrible day. All of a sudden, I felt my importance.

Thank you Nat, Josh. Forever grateful to have you guys around me.


Sunday, December 2, 2012

Promises

GOD DAMN IT BLOGGER. LOST MY THREE PARAGRAPH BLOG. I HATE MOBILE VERSION NOW DAMN IT!

Promises, what are promises? What are promises suppose to be? A joke? A thing to forget almost instantly? If you were to promise someone something then why would you forget it? Shouldn't you care enough to remember what is it and achieve it? Shouldn't you put it into priority before everything else that aren't a promise?
Promise is such a down fall in humanity. People trust them, and then they fall. People who doesn't trust then will end up alone. So what can we possibly do? If people would be more trustworthy then this world may be better off.
But then again, what is promises? A pinky? A thumb? A thought? Or a heart? how much efforts are you willing to put into a promise? By putting effort it doesn't just mean achieve it and maintain it but to actually remember it forever. Even though they promise things and we as the people they promise to should remind them but then shouldn't they remember it better than us? Not because their the ones doing it but because their the ones who promised it prior to us who didn't.
And then there's the other thing, denying. Denying is the worst among the worst of all promises. "Hey. You promised me this this this..." Next thing you know they smirk and go "don't be stupid, I never did such thing" yeah you may regret ever believing in them but honestly what can you do? Nothing. You can just sigh there and question yourself on why you do that. Sometimes I wish that things like this wouldn't happen. Sometimes I wish a promise can last. Last and happen.

Until next time.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Realization

It took me long enough, but I finally realized, sometimes things you desire the most tends to hurt you the most, because deep down you know you won't be able to obtain it. Seeing everyone else with it will just raise up the question of why god is being so unfair and treating people unequally. It's raining outside, I always thought depressing moments were during the rain because itself just adds on this bonus of atmosphere. It's quite funny, arguing with someone whom you thought was close to you and knew you well and then suddenly realize that he actually doesn't know you. Those insecure feelings tends to chill up your spine. Here I am in denial, continuously telling myself that I am spoiled and already have a good enough life and boyfriend. Such a stupid thought, because truthfully no one knows me well. I was so stupid to think that people would understand me completely. I mean even myself doesn't understand me.
Sometimes I wish I could just stand out in the rain and scream and cry, just to let all those guilt and things. Just to release those anger out of my system.
Guys, they never understand girls no matter how much they claim to understand them. Thinking that hanging up when I am I. The bad mood and avoid argument and attitude problem, well he never thought that for 18 years at random time I would wish that there is someone who would be there for me. Thinking that my dad would be is just the worst enough, here comes a stubborn chic who just simply turns.
Sigh, what do I do?

We until then!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Greed.

Life is unbelievable. Greed take up everything. They take up what your family thinks what your friends thinks sometimes causes to useless troubles. But then again ,what are humans without trouble and greed? That's something we obviously cannot live without. Our emotion tends to drive us to ends. Our greedy self would tend to back us up making us think of the unfair and make ourselves the pity one while that may not be the whole truth itself. It's silly how a person thinks, how they think their all fair and justice and judge others all they want when in reality they themselves cannot do better. It's a stupid life concept but then people still do it regardless.
Where's that pure soul from long ago? The untainted soul, the one that sparkles and shines so bright. The one that our society will crush and ignore? It already seem impossible enough for me to find myself a great friend who will be there for me regardless, and now there's this?
I tend to wonder where our society goes to. Why this why that? Where's the real answer. Am I stupid? Shouldn't I be satisfied already with the result? No. Well I guess human never intended to change. And the best they can do would probably be self realization.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Sex.

How important is sex to girls verses sex to guys? Sticking a penis into someone's vagina, how important is that? Oh yes. To you men out there, it's probably a pleasure to be able to fuck some random girl on the street as long as its in your zone?
To girls losing virginity

Sunday, October 28, 2012

The sun that comes out after the storm.

Maybe things didn't turn out the way it is, maybe at times rather than being all stubborn and shy being outgoing in life is important.

10-28-2012

Friday, October 26, 2012

Importance.

That's a very very important word in our society. It's the people we choose over others, the things we would rather talk about in compare to many other available topics we could have had picked. It's the people around us we choose to get close to. It's the things we would rather do in comparison to doing other things because truly, time is limited.
Importance place a huge role in many different things. Would you rather hang out with your family, your friends, or your love one on the weekend or on a holiday tends to be one of the tough questions. Though some choices are harder than others, but it's nearly impossible to choose one of a billion if you know what I mean. It's not like you can always group two together and merge them like photoshop, it doesn't always work out. And sometimes the choices you make may lead to regret but at least you have set your priority straight from the beginning.
He on the other hand does as well, and of course I am not the first thing or even the first set of things on his priority. It sometimes hurt me a lot to to admit the truth, but then again it's true. He chooses education, famil, food and video gaming over me. I am not saying that is wrong or anything since education last a life time in compare to relations so does family, well most of the time. And its totally not wrong to choose them over me. But honestly, if you were to think I am messed up for not ditching my family's Christmas celebration than damn you are wrong. You would rather what? Not celebrate at all than to celebrate it on the actual date? You think it looses it's meaning of I don't celebrate the actual day with you? God damn it, when the hell do you see me complaining when you choose your family over me. You are so judgmental and as well as a hypocrite, you might as well just go in and blame me for everything else. Yeah no point of coming home early from your vocation now that you realize your girlfriend is gonna spend her Christmas with her family? Well okay then, if that is how you feel then please might as well just stay there longer. Because you know other days are not as worthful in compare?
Damn it, wanting you to stop eating junk food all the time is it for my benefit or yours? I dont even know anymore. "nothing can come in between me and food" well okay, gee thanks for making me feel less important than I already am.
Then now even video game is more important than me that you rather hang up while I am talking than to actually hear me talk? Well you know what, I regret thinking about you, I regret worrying about you getting worried of me. And I regret having those excitement that I have when I get to talk to you when I get home. I get to finally have a quite night with you at your house phone convo ing. That finally I can spend the rest of the next two days hopefully with you. And such and such, but then hey, I might be wrong about having those thoughts. Even though you worked so hard to come back on the weekends, though you need video game to relax but god damn hanging on me and just spend the rest of your night on video games, how the hell is that right ?
You don't see me watching drama and go like I must finish this episode before I stop. Or even do anything when I talk to you. No matter what time you call, of I am watching drama, playing a game, writing homework, doodling and chatting with my friends, I would stop and lie down to talk to you. Why the hell can't you do the same thing automatically without me begging you to and nagging you to?
Well my bad, perhaps i should be more acceptance towards who you are and how you are but honestly come on! It's just making me feel like an unimportant object that when you need you have and when you don't need you can just toss her to the fucking side.

Well...am I wrong?

Thursday, October 25, 2012

insecurities



      Why doesn't guys have the sense of "reasonablity" in compare to women? They don't understand how jealous women can get at times, they dont understand the insecurity we have either. All they know is oh "I love you" this, oh "I love you" that. But honestly how much do each of those words mean to them actually? I hate guys being close to girls as friends, it never turns well, something always would happen, and then jealousy hits. Then with that in mind, everything is over. I know it may sound stupid, but it's quite true, I mean think about this, if your boyfriend or girlfriend have a close friend who is the opposite sex, and even though you know they say oh this that this that will never happen, yet they hang around all the time, and he/she wears the hand made gift that the other made, then what will you think? Obviously more and more of things that shouldn't be thought about.

     Stupid communication, I know you can talk things though, but to girls things are harder to talk though in compare to guys. Guys can be super straight forward and they just sound cute and adorable trying to protect the one they love from others. But as for girls when they go straight forward, it makes them sound greedy, rude, and not lady-like. Oh please, like that is obviously what I am aiming for here. NOT! This is how this retarded society works, you can both be in the same position doing the same thing, but yet still judged differently. I hate these kind of sexist sterotypes, it tends to get on to my bad side.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Weather.



     Weather tends to be one of the main keys on people and their attitude towards the day and everything else. Weather is the thing we rely on to help us choose our daily wardrobe and other things. Weather is the main key of events going on in our daily life, without it, it may just seem strange, or rather unlivable.
     What gave me this topic out of ransom? These past few days, the weather here in California is extremely cold, cold to a point where it almost nearly seemed like if we're in the middle of the winter when in fact we're just in the mid-falls. These few weeks the clouds been moving and shifting everywhere, which creates this amazing site for many photographer, or people who loves clouds like me personally. My friends tend to think I am extremely weird, been taking pictures of clouds like nearly everyday when I see something worth a picture of. To them, its just a set of clouds that are moving in a rather slow speed, but to me, its a amazing site, its a calming scene, its a beautiful painting or photograph, its art. Of course I am not expecting my readers or anyone else to understand this concept since you know, its just from my point of view, but I hope that you guys at least feel where I am getting at.
    For example, on sunny days, you may feel happier than gloomy cloudy days just because the coloring of different scene is brighter when its sunny than when its cloudy. And just like sunny, for raining day it can get extremely depressing, thinking about having to bring an umbrella, having to stay warm and stay dry and all those other stuff. For students like me who doesn't own a car, can't drive yet, and walks home simply because parents refuse to drive me home, I hated raining days. Even since when I was young i hated raining days, since i was a hyperactive kid, every time when it rains, it means I cannot go out and play, I cannot run around without worrying about getting wet and getting lectured. And how cold it is, and how i need to try dry and warm or else I'd get sick. Its those things that gets me when I was young, but still similar things even as I reached older. Walking 45 minutes minimum home, climbing hills tends to be a challenge when its raining, especially those storms with strong wind, unless you have an umbrella that covers your front completely or which ever direction the wind is coming from, one side of your body, most likely the front is going to be soaked as well. And when you're walking home from school, its most likely you'd carry a backpack. Backpack always tends to stick out unless you have  a big umbrella, so which makes the situation worst, because you have to worry about the workbook, textbook, and homework that is in your backpack that may get wet, and then you have to either carry it retardedly by the front, or try moving/shifting your umbrella a little behind so then it would cover up the backpack. So just overall day, when it rains, to me its depressing.
    It's funny, because in the beginning I wasn't even planning to talk about raining days, I was just thinking about the different scene of the weather, but i guess might as well since I am already here you know. My main point was more towards temperture of the weather rather than the different kinds of weather itself. I was gonna say on hot humid weathers, or even hot dry weather, people's temper tends to bend and change and get grumpy easily over the strangest and the most unreasonable reason there are. In comparison on cold calming weather, though you might be cold and freezing to death, your temper would not be as bad as if you're hot. It's a strange thought but then isn't it true? Even for people who likes the heat more than coldness. Think about this, think about those people who said that and the way they act in different weather and tell me I am wrong. But you know, nature is a sort of art, and we as human beings are all a sort of art. Our attitude, our personality, all are part of arts as well. Maybe that's why we having art in our lives today. Perhaps that was part of the origin of art? Who knows....

Monday, October 22, 2012

Jealousy.

I hate jealousy, it can happen anytime, anywhere, with just about any reason. You tend to get jealous over people having a better life, others having better friends, or boy/girlfriends, even family treatments.
Sometimes it gets overwhelming when jealousy hits, and other times you just feel like anything can happen when insecurity hits. Jealousy and insecurity once crosses each other, their like best friends, like two magnets being super glued together. You cannot separate them, even when events tends to solve itself at times there's really no such thing as a complete trust. At one point in life you're going to end up not trusting your other half in life, especially when their close friend or the friend they end up always hang around is an opposite sex. And they get along way better than you getting along with your other half. You tend to feel like you're losing it, perhaps towards just your own mind or to jealousy and insecurity but for whatever reason it is, most of the time we don't speak of it because it may be embarrassing to talk about it or just simply wanted to act all mighty and strong when simply you're nothing near that when jealousy and insecurity comes.
Funny thing is most of the times it's always the guys having more famine friends than girls having masculine friends. Don't you know I get jealous too? Don't you know even though I don't show it but every time when you talk to one of your friend that is a girl? Haha of course you wouldn't know because I don't tell you things like this. You may think your insecurity is higher than mine, but if I can get jealous of nearly every girl that gets close to you you think I wouldn't be more insecure in comparison to you? You idiot. I care for you too much but I don't express it for some strange reason. Maybe i am just scared and wants to act strong. But why does it hurt so much to act strong? Why does it always hurt to act strong?
But it's not like I can tell you to not make friends with girls. Your nature is to flirt, even if you don't notice. I hate myself for choosing you, but I never regretted it. Even despite the fact that 99% of your friends are all girls and are decent looking ones too. Sometimes makes me wonder if you really do care about how I feel.
Maybe I just think too much, but really, wearing something that someone gives you and that's a girl? I really question myself if you really understand me at all or not. Though I may not know myself much, I am a extremely insecure person that though i trust people easily I don't trust anyone completely. I don't tell people about my personal things much nor do I ever express my sorrow out. I'd rather scream and cry and rage by myself than to tell others. I'd rather shed tears in the corner than to let others see. Though I am social and talk to people a lot and act all crazy no one knows how I think in the inside nor do you. But of course all these wouldn't matter now would it?
Silly me getting depress and insecure and jealous of you wearing the bracelet she made for you. Well thanks for not even telling me about it. because you know it may be the smallest thing to you, to me it's by far the biggest thing. Ha, and to think we'd have a far future and you don't even know I am always so insecure, let's just see how far it's gonna last till you finally notice me in that crowd of girls you flirt. But just saying if you ever touch me with that bracelet on your arm, or even if you're gonna be wearing that bracelet at all don't bother touching me. I am an ambitious woman. Damn it.

Guys, is there any guys out there that actually care about girls and how they feel? Or are those guys already ancient history?

One more question, am I a bit overboard to get jealous of that post on fb? Of a girl giving a guy a bracelet? Of them being such close friends? ): is it really just me and my insecurities?! are there any other girls out there that would feel the same way as me? I think I need a therapist or someone to give me good relationship advice.


Reasonings.

What are they? What is reasonings? Why do we fucking need reasonings? Is it because without them we cannot explain ourselves and our emotions? Or is it because without them things become doll and boring. Perhaps less understood? We all have the period of time where we are tired of reasonings and just wished that things could explain itself.
Many of the time people cannot find the reasonings and end up spending their whole life devoting to finding the reasoning. What a stupid logic.
No offense or anything but spending your whole life on finding a reasoning that might be useless, how how is that chance? Sure higher than finding something useful of a reasoning that haven't been found yet.
Why do we sometimes runaway from the reality? The real reasoning? Is it the fear of finding out the truth or is it because of the fact that we already know the truth and reasoning but just in denial ?
Oh how I love our human mind..

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Wasn't over.

Many things always tends to come to an unexpected ending. Many tends to be regretful things, like vintage. Vintage was a great person, he did everything to please me. He did everything he can to get me in fact. Yet my heart though did move for him didn't move for his action. Thought many of you I believe don't even believe true love, but Ye and I was definitely true love. My heart beater fast for him, his heart beated fast for me, I really don't think there's anyone else's out there that will give me that kind of feel. I doubt anyone out there can even beat their hearts for me. I knew he is real. And his love for me is real. I can feel it through all those effort he had put in for me, all five years of effort. That short period that he had been with me. Those amazing moments.
Now I moved on, my heartlessness caught on and I moved on. Student decision I sometimes tell myself. But then once again who would care? My current one though does love me and does care for me just like me caring for him and all but our hearts doesn't beat for each other like vintage. Like i said, no one can replace vintage nor how he is like to me, nor those heartbeating moments. I guess I am a hypocrite. A big one too. When I was little always thought oh true love is everything,all those realist are stupid, breaking up with the people they love for what purpose? To get with people with potential or smarter. To get with richer people. Damn it Jenny, you're becoming one of them you know that?

It's been completely over since 4 month and some days ago, but then honestly was I ever over it? Was I? I thought I was when I realize how much I have felt for Now. But was I wrong about that too? I had another dream of vintage again. This time it was some game show, but all students from my high school were there. But I don't know why Danny wasn't there. All I know is I was on charge of passing random seating card to people and everyone was first running around hard to catch and then groups began to sit down at some stadium all of a sudden. But then anyways, I was assigning random cards to random people. And there was William, I gave him a card and walk off then realizing I had his other card and gave him the wrong one, because each were suppose to have two cards that have the same seating. So I went back and grabbed his card and gave him the other one. And Connie was there staring with her lovey dovey eyes. But this was way after I guess I was already with Now because everything felt so awkward and I didn't have the guts to talk to vintage because of all the guilts I had. What should I do? I don't even know anymore....
On this cloudy day, it just makes me think more. Sigh.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Inner Self.


Sometimes I wonder, what is your actual personality like. The inner self that you sometimes refuse to reveal, sometimes scared you wouldn't blend in well, and just decided that its better if it is hidden. But is it true that your inner self is not likable by others? I tend to question that at times. 
I sometimes thought, being true to yourself is all you have to do, but then apparently I am wrong. sometimes rather than just being true to yourself, you have to be true to others, and express out how you feel about others, especially in relationships for them to work. 
 I am such a big hypocrite, now thinking about it, I would judge everyone for literally everything but then when it comes to me, I tend to think others are messed up for judging me when they don't even know me. But the reality is that, I do that to others as well and others would question me the same thing in their head I bet. what's wrong with this society? Why is everyone like this? I make mistake, and then I regret, and started wondering why I did that. Doesn't everyone do that? When they feel the inner rage, whatever comes will become a threat, and whatever goes will become a damage. And you can only hold onto yourself for so long until it explodes. The more you hold in, the more explosive you are to everyone else later on. Which is why I hate myself sometimes. 
Why am i writing this out of no where? I dont even know either, something just tells me that i should post something. And watching gossip girls, and american horror stories both just starting at season 1, i feel more and more of this messed up society. That inner rage of why we are like this just tends to hit me so many times.
But seriously, why are we on this world? And what is the purpose of this? 

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Friending limit.

To me, I have one type of concept that maybe some can related, some have the same and the rest would think I am just being unreasonable. I don't like my date or boyfriends to be friended with my friends.
Was is because of jealousy? Was it because of greed? But truly even I don't know why.

(written before inner self - unfinished )

The clouds.

When the clouds are clear when the fogs are gone, things yet to be seen clears up as well. The sudden realization of your surrounding after a little rest, a little break, a little clam, tends to flip all different kinds of thoughts around. The guilt after the storm, the anger after the confusion clears and things unties itself. Sometimes it may leave you with regret while other times it's those sincerity that helps you pass the storm without getting another one.

It's those moments you realize how much trouble you have caused and how much things you have said that you shouldn't even say.
For some, thought they feel the guilt, they have no idea how much they have harmed the other person before head .

That's greedy; the unconscious greed we tend to born with. Some just have more than others. Which tends to lead me to disappointment many times in the human beings and how selfish they are. Of course me myself am selfish at time as well, but I am just not that big of a greedy butt in compare. Yes, you can say I am a hypocrite all you want but you cannot deny the fact and say you are not greedy at all.


He called me this morning, apologizing for treating me how he treated me earlier today, he said to not take in any of the harsh words he say but even if I know he didn't really...mean what he says, how can you not take those things in at all. Especially on how harsh they are! Not noticing me getting a hair cut while everyone else noticed is one thing, but then saying that I need a haircut even right after me getting a haircut is just a bit overboard don't you think? Everyone thinks its not bad especially now i have bangs in compare to before without bangs. Yet he calls it ugly, thinking that nothing about my hair changed. Wow, and yet he expects so much from me.

This earlier morning he raged about not just my hair and the looks of it but the way I dressed. He said he ha to bare with it, the ugly t-shirts I wear and the ugly sweats. He went on saying how I should be fucking lucky and grateful for his acceptance over me and my unfashionable clothings but seriously, I changed the way i dressed so much in compare to before. Yet he isn't satisfied, what's his problem?

Then going on mentioning about our third monthiversary, saying how stupid I was enforcing a ugly jacket on, on such a ridiculous weather for a jacket. How I refuse to make him make me pretty. How I am not comprehending and working with him. Well if is wasn't for the jacket, I would have been frozen to death in the movie theater with their extremely strong AC. He responded my arguement with a stupid support, he said "how the fuck would you know that we would be fucking for to the movie theater?" In his head, he must have been thinking, "excuses, excuses, why can't she just fucking admit that it's her fault?"
Well whatever, whether you can find this blog or not, whether you read this or not. The whole point of this is only for me and many to read. I have no other purposes. But thanks for making me realize how stupid I am to be sticking with you and how stupid you are to not realize how much it hurts me when you wrote those.

Until next post!!