is love real?

i look at dramas,
i look at couples,
i look at fictionals,
i look at the mirror,
i look at you and me,
are we really like them?
are we really in love?
are we really meant to be?

if we are,
why isnt my heart racing for you?
why aren't my face blushing for you?
why arent I excited to a point I would jump around?
why cant I always smile when I see your face?
why do I cry sometimes because of you?

so many whys, so little answers.

so if we were really meant to be,
then why are you questioning our relationship?
why are you asking things like if I'm afraid of losing you to someone better one day?
if you really trust our love why will you be worried?
if i were really going to run off with someone else,
I would have done it long time ago,
I wouldnt have waited till now to do things,
I wouldnt have stayed with you through all the storms.
I would have given up and ran off.

So through all these trouble,
why cant you see,
that I am here for you,
no matter for rich or for poorer,
for sickness or health.

Appearantly your insecure is still there,
apperantly my love for you isnt enough,
maybe its just me.
maybe i just think too much.
i wish sometimes you would have more faith in me,
just sometimes.

Confused and lost in denial..

Sometimes we tend to be in denial really often,
thinking that we can undo what was done,
thinking that maybe things would turn and change,
thinking that life can still be the same.

What we dont know was,
that these werent the reality,
just something you desire,
somemthing you wished for and craved for,
something you like to convience yourself its true.

Where's that real part of me?
Where is the part of me that is expressing the real feeling?
Why can't I feel any of those.
Why am I so confused standing here,
by myself.

Do I deserve this?
Do I even deserve love?
Please can someone please tell me what to do?
Can someone please?

College Fresh Journal 1

     College, such a strange term, higher education they say, but to me things are worst in college than in high school. In all the classes, I tend to felt left out, everyone there have so many friends, and even in class, meanwhile I on the other hand always seem like the one who is left out, the one who doesnt belong in the group. I often ask myself, what is the cause? Is it my fault? Am I just not socially fit to be around?
      Everytime when me and my group of friends I met in college hang out, eventually as we walk together, the group will start forming two by twos, and then I will be the extra thrid, or the lonely one, but rarely the two by twos. Sometimes I get jealous, and sometimes I am just simply confused, why arent I able to be in groups with them? Then some sudden realization hit me, I am just not cut for it.
      But when today, missing a test in college japanese class, I got two text from two different friends, asking for my where abouts, and telling me, reminding me that there's a test today. I suddenly felt so warm inside, so happy. It's those unexpected thoughts that makes up for your terrible day. All of a sudden, I felt my importance.

Thank you Nat, Josh. Forever grateful to have you guys around me.

Weather.

     Weather tends to be one of the main keys on people and their attitude towards the day and everything else. Weather is the thing we rely on to help us choose our daily wardrobe and other things. Weather is the main key of events going on in our daily life, without it, it may just seem strange, or rather unlivable.
     What gave me this topic out of ransom? These past few days, the weather here in California is extremely cold, cold to a point where it almost nearly seemed like if we're in the middle of the winter when in fact we're just in the mid-falls. These few weeks the clouds been moving and shifting everywhere, which creates this amazing site for many photographer, or people who loves clouds like me personally. My friends tend to think I am extremely weird, been taking pictures of clouds like nearly everyday when I see something worth a picture of. To them, its just a set of clouds that are moving in a rather slow speed, but to me, its a amazing site, its a calming scene, its a beautiful painting or photograph, its art. Of course I am not expecting my readers or anyone else to understand this concept since you know, its just from my point of view, but I hope that you guys at least feel where I am getting at.
    For example, on sunny days, you may feel happier than gloomy cloudy days just because the coloring of different scene is brighter when its sunny than when its cloudy. And just like sunny, for raining day it can get extremely depressing, thinking about having to bring an umbrella, having to stay warm and stay dry and all those other stuff. For students like me who doesn't own a car, can't drive yet, and walks home simply because parents refuse to drive me home, I hated raining days. Even since when I was young i hated raining days, since i was a hyperactive kid, every time when it rains, it means I cannot go out and play, I cannot run around without worrying about getting wet and getting lectured. And how cold it is, and how i need to try dry and warm or else I'd get sick. Its those things that gets me when I was young, but still similar things even as I reached older. Walking 45 minutes minimum home, climbing hills tends to be a challenge when its raining, especially those storms with strong wind, unless you have an umbrella that covers your front completely or which ever direction the wind is coming from, one side of your body, most likely the front is going to be soaked as well. And when you're walking home from school, its most likely you'd carry a backpack. Backpack always tends to stick out unless you have  a big umbrella, so which makes the situation worst, because you have to worry about the workbook, textbook, and homework that is in your backpack that may get wet, and then you have to either carry it retardedly by the front, or try moving/shifting your umbrella a little behind so then it would cover up the backpack. So just overall day, when it rains, to me its depressing.
    It's funny, because in the beginning I wasn't even planning to talk about raining days, I was just thinking about the different scene of the weather, but i guess might as well since I am already here you know. My main point was more towards temperture of the weather rather than the different kinds of weather itself. I was gonna say on hot humid weathers, or even hot dry weather, people's temper tends to bend and change and get grumpy easily over the strangest and the most unreasonable reason there are. In comparison on cold calming weather, though you might be cold and freezing to death, your temper would not be as bad as if you're hot. It's a strange thought but then isn't it true? Even for people who likes the heat more than coldness. Think about this, think about those people who said that and the way they act in different weather and tell me I am wrong. But you know, nature is a sort of art, and we as human beings are all a sort of art. Our attitude, our personality, all are part of arts as well. Maybe that's why we having art in our lives today. Perhaps that was part of the origin of art? Who knows....

Inner Self.

Sometimes I wonder, what is your actual personality like. The inner self that you sometimes refuse to reveal, sometimes scared you wouldn't blend in well, and just decided that its better if it is hidden. But is it true that your inner self is not likable by others? I tend to question that at times. 

I sometimes thought, being true to yourself is all you have to do, but then apparently I am wrong. sometimes rather than just being true to yourself, you have to be true to others, and express out how you feel about others, especially in relationships for them to work. 

 I am such a big hypocrite, now thinking about it, I would judge everyone for literally everything but then when it comes to me, I tend to think others are messed up for judging me when they don't even know me. But the reality is that, I do that to others as well and others would question me the same thing in their head I bet. what's wrong with this society? Why is everyone like this? I make mistake, and then I regret, and started wondering why I did that. Doesn't everyone do that? When they feel the inner rage, whatever comes will become a threat, and whatever goes will become a damage. And you can only hold onto yourself for so long until it explodes. The more you hold in, the more explosive you are to everyone else later on. Which is why I hate myself sometimes. 

Why am i writing this out of no where? I dont even know either, something just tells me that i should post something. And watching gossip girls, and american horror stories both just starting at season 1, i feel more and more of this messed up society. That inner rage of why we are like this just tends to hit me so many times.

But seriously, why are we on this world? And what is the purpose of this? 

Friending limit.

To me, I have one type of concept that maybe some can related, some have the same and the rest would think I am just being unreasonable. I don't like my date or boyfriends to be friended with my friends.
Was is because of jealousy? Was it because of greed? But truly even I don't know why.

(written before inner self - unfinished )