College Fresh Journal 1

     College, such a strange term, higher education they say, but to me things are worst in college than in high school. In all the classes, I tend to felt left out, everyone there have so many friends, and even in class, meanwhile I on the other hand always seem like the one who is left out, the one who doesnt belong in the group. I often ask myself, what is the cause? Is it my fault? Am I just not socially fit to be around?
      Everytime when me and my group of friends I met in college hang out, eventually as we walk together, the group will start forming two by twos, and then I will be the extra thrid, or the lonely one, but rarely the two by twos. Sometimes I get jealous, and sometimes I am just simply confused, why arent I able to be in groups with them? Then some sudden realization hit me, I am just not cut for it.
      But when today, missing a test in college japanese class, I got two text from two different friends, asking for my where abouts, and telling me, reminding me that there's a test today. I suddenly felt so warm inside, so happy. It's those unexpected thoughts that makes up for your terrible day. All of a sudden, I felt my importance.

Thank you Nat, Josh. Forever grateful to have you guys around me.

Wasn't over.

Many things always tends to come to an unexpected ending. Many tends to be regretful things, like vintage. Vintage was a great person, he did everything to please me. He did everything he can to get me in fact. Yet my heart though did move for him didn't move for his action. Thought many of you I believe don't even believe true love, but Ye and I was definitely true love. My heart beater fast for him, his heart beated fast for me, I really don't think there's anyone else's out there that will give me that kind of feel. I doubt anyone out there can even beat their hearts for me. I knew he is real. And his love for me is real. I can feel it through all those effort he had put in for me, all five years of effort. That short period that he had been with me. Those amazing moments.
Now I moved on, my heartlessness caught on and I moved on. Student decision I sometimes tell myself. But then once again who would care? My current one though does love me and does care for me just like me caring for him and all but our hearts doesn't beat for each other like vintage. Like i said, no one can replace vintage nor how he is like to me, nor those heartbeating moments. I guess I am a hypocrite. A big one too. When I was little always thought oh true love is everything,all those realist are stupid, breaking up with the people they love for what purpose? To get with people with potential or smarter. To get with richer people. Damn it Jenny, you're becoming one of them you know that?

It's been completely over since 4 month and some days ago, but then honestly was I ever over it? Was I? I thought I was when I realize how much I have felt for Now. But was I wrong about that too? I had another dream of vintage again. This time it was some game show, but all students from my high school were there. But I don't know why Danny wasn't there. All I know is I was on charge of passing random seating card to people and everyone was first running around hard to catch and then groups began to sit down at some stadium all of a sudden. But then anyways, I was assigning random cards to random people. And there was William, I gave him a card and walk off then realizing I had his other card and gave him the wrong one, because each were suppose to have two cards that have the same seating. So I went back and grabbed his card and gave him the other one. And Connie was there staring with her lovey dovey eyes. But this was way after I guess I was already with Now because everything felt so awkward and I didn't have the guts to talk to vintage because of all the guilts I had. What should I do? I don't even know anymore....
On this cloudy day, it just makes me think more. Sigh.

Inner Self.

Sometimes I wonder, what is your actual personality like. The inner self that you sometimes refuse to reveal, sometimes scared you wouldn't blend in well, and just decided that its better if it is hidden. But is it true that your inner self is not likable by others? I tend to question that at times. 

I sometimes thought, being true to yourself is all you have to do, but then apparently I am wrong. sometimes rather than just being true to yourself, you have to be true to others, and express out how you feel about others, especially in relationships for them to work. 

 I am such a big hypocrite, now thinking about it, I would judge everyone for literally everything but then when it comes to me, I tend to think others are messed up for judging me when they don't even know me. But the reality is that, I do that to others as well and others would question me the same thing in their head I bet. what's wrong with this society? Why is everyone like this? I make mistake, and then I regret, and started wondering why I did that. Doesn't everyone do that? When they feel the inner rage, whatever comes will become a threat, and whatever goes will become a damage. And you can only hold onto yourself for so long until it explodes. The more you hold in, the more explosive you are to everyone else later on. Which is why I hate myself sometimes. 

Why am i writing this out of no where? I dont even know either, something just tells me that i should post something. And watching gossip girls, and american horror stories both just starting at season 1, i feel more and more of this messed up society. That inner rage of why we are like this just tends to hit me so many times.

But seriously, why are we on this world? And what is the purpose of this? 

The clouds.

When the clouds are clear when the fogs are gone, things yet to be seen clears up as well. The sudden realization of your surrounding after a little rest, a little break, a little clam, tends to flip all different kinds of thoughts around. The guilt after the storm, the anger after the confusion clears and things unties itself. Sometimes it may leave you with regret while other times it's those sincerity that helps you pass the storm without getting another one.

It's those moments you realize how much trouble you have caused and how much things you have said that you shouldn't even say.
For some, thought they feel the guilt, they have no idea how much they have harmed the other person before head .

That's greedy; the unconscious greed we tend to born with. Some just have more than others. Which tends to lead me to disappointment many times in the human beings and how selfish they are. Of course me myself am selfish at time as well, but I am just not that big of a greedy butt in compare. Yes, you can say I am a hypocrite all you want but you cannot deny the fact and say you are not greedy at all.


He called me this morning, apologizing for treating me how he treated me earlier today, he said to not take in any of the harsh words he say but even if I know he didn't really...mean what he says, how can you not take those things in at all. Especially on how harsh they are! Not noticing me getting a hair cut while everyone else noticed is one thing, but then saying that I need a haircut even right after me getting a haircut is just a bit overboard don't you think? Everyone thinks its not bad especially now i have bangs in compare to before without bangs. Yet he calls it ugly, thinking that nothing about my hair changed. Wow, and yet he expects so much from me.

This earlier morning he raged about not just my hair and the looks of it but the way I dressed. He said he ha to bare with it, the ugly t-shirts I wear and the ugly sweats. He went on saying how I should be fucking lucky and grateful for his acceptance over me and my unfashionable clothings but seriously, I changed the way i dressed so much in compare to before. Yet he isn't satisfied, what's his problem?

Then going on mentioning about our third monthiversary, saying how stupid I was enforcing a ugly jacket on, on such a ridiculous weather for a jacket. How I refuse to make him make me pretty. How I am not comprehending and working with him. Well if is wasn't for the jacket, I would have been frozen to death in the movie theater with their extremely strong AC. He responded my arguement with a stupid support, he said "how the fuck would you know that we would be fucking for to the movie theater?" In his head, he must have been thinking, "excuses, excuses, why can't she just fucking admit that it's her fault?"
Well whatever, whether you can find this blog or not, whether you read this or not. The whole point of this is only for me and many to read. I have no other purposes. But thanks for making me realize how stupid I am to be sticking with you and how stupid you are to not realize how much it hurts me when you wrote those.

Until next post!!