Inner Self.

Sometimes I wonder, what is your actual personality like. The inner self that you sometimes refuse to reveal, sometimes scared you wouldn't blend in well, and just decided that its better if it is hidden. But is it true that your inner self is not likable by others? I tend to question that at times. 

I sometimes thought, being true to yourself is all you have to do, but then apparently I am wrong. sometimes rather than just being true to yourself, you have to be true to others, and express out how you feel about others, especially in relationships for them to work. 

 I am such a big hypocrite, now thinking about it, I would judge everyone for literally everything but then when it comes to me, I tend to think others are messed up for judging me when they don't even know me. But the reality is that, I do that to others as well and others would question me the same thing in their head I bet. what's wrong with this society? Why is everyone like this? I make mistake, and then I regret, and started wondering why I did that. Doesn't everyone do that? When they feel the inner rage, whatever comes will become a threat, and whatever goes will become a damage. And you can only hold onto yourself for so long until it explodes. The more you hold in, the more explosive you are to everyone else later on. Which is why I hate myself sometimes. 

Why am i writing this out of no where? I dont even know either, something just tells me that i should post something. And watching gossip girls, and american horror stories both just starting at season 1, i feel more and more of this messed up society. That inner rage of why we are like this just tends to hit me so many times.

But seriously, why are we on this world? And what is the purpose of this? 

The clouds.

When the clouds are clear when the fogs are gone, things yet to be seen clears up as well. The sudden realization of your surrounding after a little rest, a little break, a little clam, tends to flip all different kinds of thoughts around. The guilt after the storm, the anger after the confusion clears and things unties itself. Sometimes it may leave you with regret while other times it's those sincerity that helps you pass the storm without getting another one.

It's those moments you realize how much trouble you have caused and how much things you have said that you shouldn't even say.
For some, thought they feel the guilt, they have no idea how much they have harmed the other person before head .

That's greedy; the unconscious greed we tend to born with. Some just have more than others. Which tends to lead me to disappointment many times in the human beings and how selfish they are. Of course me myself am selfish at time as well, but I am just not that big of a greedy butt in compare. Yes, you can say I am a hypocrite all you want but you cannot deny the fact and say you are not greedy at all.


He called me this morning, apologizing for treating me how he treated me earlier today, he said to not take in any of the harsh words he say but even if I know he didn't really...mean what he says, how can you not take those things in at all. Especially on how harsh they are! Not noticing me getting a hair cut while everyone else noticed is one thing, but then saying that I need a haircut even right after me getting a haircut is just a bit overboard don't you think? Everyone thinks its not bad especially now i have bangs in compare to before without bangs. Yet he calls it ugly, thinking that nothing about my hair changed. Wow, and yet he expects so much from me.

This earlier morning he raged about not just my hair and the looks of it but the way I dressed. He said he ha to bare with it, the ugly t-shirts I wear and the ugly sweats. He went on saying how I should be fucking lucky and grateful for his acceptance over me and my unfashionable clothings but seriously, I changed the way i dressed so much in compare to before. Yet he isn't satisfied, what's his problem?

Then going on mentioning about our third monthiversary, saying how stupid I was enforcing a ugly jacket on, on such a ridiculous weather for a jacket. How I refuse to make him make me pretty. How I am not comprehending and working with him. Well if is wasn't for the jacket, I would have been frozen to death in the movie theater with their extremely strong AC. He responded my arguement with a stupid support, he said "how the fuck would you know that we would be fucking for to the movie theater?" In his head, he must have been thinking, "excuses, excuses, why can't she just fucking admit that it's her fault?"
Well whatever, whether you can find this blog or not, whether you read this or not. The whole point of this is only for me and many to read. I have no other purposes. But thanks for making me realize how stupid I am to be sticking with you and how stupid you are to not realize how much it hurts me when you wrote those.

Until next post!!

Men's Hormone and Desires

     Why don't you ever think about how others feel? Why does the world always evolve around you and only you? I know according to you the relationship involved not just one but two of us and with the two of us, two opinions must be shared.
It’s true, all the things you stated, and they are true. But how much of my thoughts are within your thoughts when you conclude “we” and “us” in each and every one of your sentences, and how much of “you” or “I” is included in that sentence?
Everyone is greedy in their own way, they just don’t notice. Even when it comes to the nicest people, they have some greedy somewhere upon them that they just don’t show but it’s still there.
I hate how you thread me with your insecure, and use it as excuse each time when you want to know something or when you want to do something. Sex is simply an action, an action many men tends to pray for and desire much especially from their other half, and if not, from a girl. Many desire strongly to a point where they lose their senses and others just have those sudden male hormone rush that take over their mind. But for whatever it is, girls like us are the ones who suffer.
With a man threaten to take your virginity away because he claimed without taking it away from his girlfriend he feels insecure, someone tell me what kind of logic is behind such sense? In what universe is that a kind of acceptable logic to people? Perhaps to men it’s someone sensible, more like a great excuse to take it away, but to girls, it’s a threat, a set of black mail, and forceful way of saying, “Hey! If you don’t hand over your virginity to me and have sex with me, I will break up with you or cheat on you, or if I find a girl who can do the things you can’t I will leave you and do it with her.”
Like seriously, did all the traditional men suddenly die or something? Or is it just greedy that men tend to grow when the relationship is overtime? It’s only been nearly the end of our 3^rd month being together, and I am being responsible for giving him my virginity, and according to him waiting a year is too long? Wow, what am I to you? The love of your life or some temporary toy you want to use as a sex machine? Honestly, because I don’t know either.

The second of 8th.

It's three forty in the morning, and things were falling into places but at the same time falling apart.

Calling him having him pick up and getting out of bed is sweet and all. But sticking with the lies hurts me like being cut my a knife. Why can't he just tell me the truth? Why does he have to hide things?

Why couldn't he tell me the whole truth rather than half truth. It's true that on Wednesday morning October third Connie texted Danny about having nightmare of Justin Bieber. Having a race w him. Yeah that's true, but what was the other side of truth was that he called her that very morning at two o clock. Telling her about how it begun , how it happened, and when it happened. And she I guess told him more about my family background and me and such thing.
They were texting even before then like everyday sigh why didn't he and won't he tell me.
Why?
Though he now promised that he will never text to her, exception after my birthday (that secret prom recreation in the park he was trying to make. But seriously buying me a hollister dress and forcing me to wear it at night in the park is terrible.)
HA HA HA! (:

Well
There goes the end
Of the new beginning.

The second of 8th, if you ever wonder it means OCT ober 2nd indirectly.
It have an indirect meaning but we ll see and find out how it goes.

But if you end up finding my blog one day, please think all the things I wrote thru even though I doubt you will ever find it even tho it's in public.

" there's always bumps in a relationship, it can be happy, sad, but it's what's in the middle that is what we will remember."

Why did he say he never called her ? When in fact he did. Why?
Why?

Hideous Fights

It's really funny how things always turns out. I mean one second you can be talking about the sweetest thing with your love one and the next second you could be in total breakdown from arguing. The most interesting thing is how the smallest argument can become a big fight if you don't contain it. I mean oh okay, its normal to have arguement once in a while, because a couple without  argument  are like apple candy without the stick, it's impossible to become perfect! And you know what I mean! I didnt actially mean perfect perfect, I just meant perfect enough to last long. Perfect couples never exist, only ones that are close to perfect exisit.
Its often like what they say in Chinese culture, "打是情罵是愛", like how should I say it? If translating it directly, it should be hit is feeling and nagging/yelling is love. Its quite a cute phrase that my boyfriend tend to use as excuse sometimes.
I understand that fighting is essential in an relationship, but when you have two dominate ones in a relationship, and none of them back off, and with all the stubborness acquired, its almost impossible to separate those two and prevent them from fighting. Like honestly, for one to stop fighting its either one have to back up a step or they both do it at the same time or else it wouldn't stop.
To be honest, sometimes i even question myself, am I the one at the fault? Am I the one that did the wrongs? This is true for everyone, but when you get angry, you tend to make decision without second thoughts of the consequence  And most of the time it leads to terrible after shock. And sometimes regretful pain. I mean you can be reading this now and not take any of this in, or thinking, oh this will never happen to me, or I will change, but trust me, that's just the thought before you're actually angry. I mean when you actually get angry that's a different thing, trust me, you wouldn't completely do all the things you have told yourself to do beforehead.

Am I crazy for writing my first blog at 2:01 AM on a school day when there's a quiz tomorrow for my 5 unit Japanese Class? Yeah I am definitely crazy alright.
Well that's it for now,

best wishes readers!
-Jenny (: