Confused and lost in denial..

Sometimes we tend to be in denial really often,
thinking that we can undo what was done,
thinking that maybe things would turn and change,
thinking that life can still be the same.

What we dont know was,
that these werent the reality,
just something you desire,
somemthing you wished for and craved for,
something you like to convience yourself its true.

Where's that real part of me?
Where is the part of me that is expressing the real feeling?
Why can't I feel any of those.
Why am I so confused standing here,
by myself.

Do I deserve this?
Do I even deserve love?
Please can someone please tell me what to do?
Can someone please?

Inner Self.

Sometimes I wonder, what is your actual personality like. The inner self that you sometimes refuse to reveal, sometimes scared you wouldn't blend in well, and just decided that its better if it is hidden. But is it true that your inner self is not likable by others? I tend to question that at times. 

I sometimes thought, being true to yourself is all you have to do, but then apparently I am wrong. sometimes rather than just being true to yourself, you have to be true to others, and express out how you feel about others, especially in relationships for them to work. 

 I am such a big hypocrite, now thinking about it, I would judge everyone for literally everything but then when it comes to me, I tend to think others are messed up for judging me when they don't even know me. But the reality is that, I do that to others as well and others would question me the same thing in their head I bet. what's wrong with this society? Why is everyone like this? I make mistake, and then I regret, and started wondering why I did that. Doesn't everyone do that? When they feel the inner rage, whatever comes will become a threat, and whatever goes will become a damage. And you can only hold onto yourself for so long until it explodes. The more you hold in, the more explosive you are to everyone else later on. Which is why I hate myself sometimes. 

Why am i writing this out of no where? I dont even know either, something just tells me that i should post something. And watching gossip girls, and american horror stories both just starting at season 1, i feel more and more of this messed up society. That inner rage of why we are like this just tends to hit me so many times.

But seriously, why are we on this world? And what is the purpose of this? 

Friending limit.

To me, I have one type of concept that maybe some can related, some have the same and the rest would think I am just being unreasonable. I don't like my date or boyfriends to be friended with my friends.
Was is because of jealousy? Was it because of greed? But truly even I don't know why.

(written before inner self - unfinished )

The clouds.

When the clouds are clear when the fogs are gone, things yet to be seen clears up as well. The sudden realization of your surrounding after a little rest, a little break, a little clam, tends to flip all different kinds of thoughts around. The guilt after the storm, the anger after the confusion clears and things unties itself. Sometimes it may leave you with regret while other times it's those sincerity that helps you pass the storm without getting another one.

It's those moments you realize how much trouble you have caused and how much things you have said that you shouldn't even say.
For some, thought they feel the guilt, they have no idea how much they have harmed the other person before head .

That's greedy; the unconscious greed we tend to born with. Some just have more than others. Which tends to lead me to disappointment many times in the human beings and how selfish they are. Of course me myself am selfish at time as well, but I am just not that big of a greedy butt in compare. Yes, you can say I am a hypocrite all you want but you cannot deny the fact and say you are not greedy at all.


He called me this morning, apologizing for treating me how he treated me earlier today, he said to not take in any of the harsh words he say but even if I know he didn't really...mean what he says, how can you not take those things in at all. Especially on how harsh they are! Not noticing me getting a hair cut while everyone else noticed is one thing, but then saying that I need a haircut even right after me getting a haircut is just a bit overboard don't you think? Everyone thinks its not bad especially now i have bangs in compare to before without bangs. Yet he calls it ugly, thinking that nothing about my hair changed. Wow, and yet he expects so much from me.

This earlier morning he raged about not just my hair and the looks of it but the way I dressed. He said he ha to bare with it, the ugly t-shirts I wear and the ugly sweats. He went on saying how I should be fucking lucky and grateful for his acceptance over me and my unfashionable clothings but seriously, I changed the way i dressed so much in compare to before. Yet he isn't satisfied, what's his problem?

Then going on mentioning about our third monthiversary, saying how stupid I was enforcing a ugly jacket on, on such a ridiculous weather for a jacket. How I refuse to make him make me pretty. How I am not comprehending and working with him. Well if is wasn't for the jacket, I would have been frozen to death in the movie theater with their extremely strong AC. He responded my arguement with a stupid support, he said "how the fuck would you know that we would be fucking for to the movie theater?" In his head, he must have been thinking, "excuses, excuses, why can't she just fucking admit that it's her fault?"
Well whatever, whether you can find this blog or not, whether you read this or not. The whole point of this is only for me and many to read. I have no other purposes. But thanks for making me realize how stupid I am to be sticking with you and how stupid you are to not realize how much it hurts me when you wrote those.

Until next post!!