Stress.

What is stress? Stress is this invisible wall, invisible unconsciousness that tend to tell us to head for the wrong thing at the wrong time. It's stress that sometimes leads anger to a place where we never thought of going. It is stress that made us regret our every action we have done upon anger that harmed everyone along the way. And it was stress that lead many people like him to making me writing this post.

He was just an ordinary college kid, with a few extraordinary qualities. Their not all extraordinarily good or extraordinarily bad but then to many it wouldn't be tolerate-able because of how short his temper is when he is in a bad mood or under stress. Sometimes even I can't handle such a personality. But I hide it, I hide the fact that I couldn't handle it. I pretended to be strong but end up hurting the most. Shattered in the corner, breaking down alone later. You see, one thing worst about stresses is the fact that you tend to lead others to depression or anger too. You just simply unconsciously drag them down.

Tonight he was stressed, stressed not from just the workload but having less then the regular amount of sleep people tends to have. Getting back to his dorm, tired as he was at 4, he receives his girlfriends call, without second thoughts he picks it up and without complains he stays with her all the way until 5 o'clock. He was dead tired, after all he could have been already laying down on his bed relaxing and dreaming about the most amazing-est thing, yet he chooses to be with her simply because she asked him to. Simply because she fell asleep and ended up not calling him hours before. Simply because she cannot get over the fact that she didn't talk to him and simply most important one of all, she misses his voice.

Tonight like last night she fell asleep, though it didn't take long before she awaken. She again thought she overslept and instantly called him but during the ringing of the phone she suddenly remember what happened, she had a fight with him because he could talk to her while working. In a way is understandable but in another it's unreasonable for her to be mad, I mean after all he was only working so hard and up to so late just for her.

The conversation started out like usual conversations but later as it progresses the table tends to turn and it became uneasy on both of them. One side was under huge load of stress not getting enough sleep the whole week through as far as since Monday meanwhile the girl is the one being released at. But she don't mind, though some words crushed her like being stabbed on the back she knew that he was under stress, she convinces herself that it's alright. Secretly there were tears in her eyes from listening to all the harshness but she didn't minded a thing, she knew that if releasing it like that would make him feel better then why not? If to lower ones self esteem and Hirt others can make others happy, especially him then why not?
To surprise this wasn't the first time they ever did such a conversation.
In fact they do this back in the days when there was nothing between them, but that's another story.

Trust.

Like let's all be honest here. What is trust exactly? Is it a object? No. A feeling? No. Then what in the world is it?
Its funny how things turns out, how once trust is lost its nearly impossible to get back.

It's true.

Why do lie? Friendly lies can never hurt anyone they say, ha what a lie. Regardless of whether it's friendly or not, lying is lying and to me it's a part of trust you had in that person that is lost.
Relationships builds on trust, and when you grow doubts in a person, you will soon realize your mistake and:or hope they do the same too.

Dear the one I cared for dearly ,
I am terribly sorry for lying to you: it wasn't from your best friend's random message scrolling that caught my eyes. It was the wonder curiosity and the stalking mode girlfriends tend to have hidden within them that got to this. While you were eating and chatting w your best friend downstairs and entrusting your phone w me, I looked through it and checked your message, at first was just to pass the time but then after staring at the menu for nearly 15 minutes I realize you texted my best friend.
Though you promised you wouldn't text her, though you promised you wouldn't lie, you still texted her and lied to me about it.
My pure stupidity lead me to this, yes definitely.
I should've known, why did I make it do obvious? I could have faked emotions like how I did it in high school yet I didn't. Oh silly me.

I confronted him, told him that during his best friends message scrolling I saw her last text was at October 3rd Wednesday. He told me that he thought when I said not to text her? That replying didn't count as texting her. How the heck is it not? I asked him if he texted her inbetween from the time where I told him to stop texting her to the time where they last texted , Wednesday , and he said no.
I wouldn't have bought it even if I didn't see it for myself, but then I did, which make me realize something, that he have crappy lies, How does he expect me to buy that?

He told me that she texted him about her nightmare and that was it, they never texted before that.
And I was like oh so randomly, out of no where, in between the time where I told you not to text her a month ago till Wednesday you guys never texted?
"yup"
And out of no where she just decided to text you that she have a nightmare?
"yeah, how's that not possible? Kheysayc called me out of no where during class about hanging out and we never talked after skills."
That's freaking different, I know I am at wrong too for stalking him and reading partial messages, but it's not like lying isn't wrong, especially when he promised yesterday about the fact that he will never lie.
Then he said something that really got me. Even if I did I could have just erased it and you wouldn't know that it happened.

True.
True.
Sigh.

So what is trust then?

Hideous Fights

It's really funny how things always turns out. I mean one second you can be talking about the sweetest thing with your love one and the next second you could be in total breakdown from arguing. The most interesting thing is how the smallest argument can become a big fight if you don't contain it. I mean oh okay, its normal to have arguement once in a while, because a couple without  argument  are like apple candy without the stick, it's impossible to become perfect! And you know what I mean! I didnt actially mean perfect perfect, I just meant perfect enough to last long. Perfect couples never exist, only ones that are close to perfect exisit.
Its often like what they say in Chinese culture, "打是情罵是愛", like how should I say it? If translating it directly, it should be hit is feeling and nagging/yelling is love. Its quite a cute phrase that my boyfriend tend to use as excuse sometimes.
I understand that fighting is essential in an relationship, but when you have two dominate ones in a relationship, and none of them back off, and with all the stubborness acquired, its almost impossible to separate those two and prevent them from fighting. Like honestly, for one to stop fighting its either one have to back up a step or they both do it at the same time or else it wouldn't stop.
To be honest, sometimes i even question myself, am I the one at the fault? Am I the one that did the wrongs? This is true for everyone, but when you get angry, you tend to make decision without second thoughts of the consequence  And most of the time it leads to terrible after shock. And sometimes regretful pain. I mean you can be reading this now and not take any of this in, or thinking, oh this will never happen to me, or I will change, but trust me, that's just the thought before you're actually angry. I mean when you actually get angry that's a different thing, trust me, you wouldn't completely do all the things you have told yourself to do beforehead.

Am I crazy for writing my first blog at 2:01 AM on a school day when there's a quiz tomorrow for my 5 unit Japanese Class? Yeah I am definitely crazy alright.
Well that's it for now,

best wishes readers!
-Jenny (: