Confused and lost in denial..

Sometimes we tend to be in denial really often,
thinking that we can undo what was done,
thinking that maybe things would turn and change,
thinking that life can still be the same.

What we dont know was,
that these werent the reality,
just something you desire,
somemthing you wished for and craved for,
something you like to convience yourself its true.

Where's that real part of me?
Where is the part of me that is expressing the real feeling?
Why can't I feel any of those.
Why am I so confused standing here,
by myself.

Do I deserve this?
Do I even deserve love?
Please can someone please tell me what to do?
Can someone please?

Money status.

I look around, and found myself where I started,
the around looks so strange to me,
maybe its because I am not used to this.
The people I thought I knew before
the places I thought I been before,
they're all gone,
shattered,
and disappeared .

I thought that she, among everyone else knew me the best,
but then maybe, family, not by purely just dont do.
When its not pure, jealousy will be in the way,
thus cause the inner war, that was never to be set.

Was it wrong to stick with what I have believed in?
Was in wrong to think that maybe, just maybe money value is more different?
Maybe some people are right,
money do change people,
money to control people.
when you have a lot of money,
when you're wealthy,
the little you give, counts a lot, and thus makes you the kindest.
when you have a little money,
and you give as much as you can,
or maybe, sometimes just that thought,
people may think you're greedy,
and just turn aside and talk behind your back.
Money status,
money status,
in the year 2012 and beyond,
it may be everything.




What is money status?

College Fresh Journal 1

     College, such a strange term, higher education they say, but to me things are worst in college than in high school. In all the classes, I tend to felt left out, everyone there have so many friends, and even in class, meanwhile I on the other hand always seem like the one who is left out, the one who doesnt belong in the group. I often ask myself, what is the cause? Is it my fault? Am I just not socially fit to be around?
      Everytime when me and my group of friends I met in college hang out, eventually as we walk together, the group will start forming two by twos, and then I will be the extra thrid, or the lonely one, but rarely the two by twos. Sometimes I get jealous, and sometimes I am just simply confused, why arent I able to be in groups with them? Then some sudden realization hit me, I am just not cut for it.
      But when today, missing a test in college japanese class, I got two text from two different friends, asking for my where abouts, and telling me, reminding me that there's a test today. I suddenly felt so warm inside, so happy. It's those unexpected thoughts that makes up for your terrible day. All of a sudden, I felt my importance.

Thank you Nat, Josh. Forever grateful to have you guys around me.

Promises

GOD DAMN IT BLOGGER. LOST MY THREE PARAGRAPH BLOG. I HATE MOBILE VERSION NOW DAMN IT!

Promises, what are promises? What are promises suppose to be? A joke? A thing to forget almost instantly? If you were to promise someone something then why would you forget it? Shouldn't you care enough to remember what is it and achieve it? Shouldn't you put it into priority before everything else that aren't a promise?
Promise is such a down fall in humanity. People trust them, and then they fall. People who doesn't trust then will end up alone. So what can we possibly do? If people would be more trustworthy then this world may be better off.
But then again, what is promises? A pinky? A thumb? A thought? Or a heart? how much efforts are you willing to put into a promise? By putting effort it doesn't just mean achieve it and maintain it but to actually remember it forever. Even though they promise things and we as the people they promise to should remind them but then shouldn't they remember it better than us? Not because their the ones doing it but because their the ones who promised it prior to us who didn't.
And then there's the other thing, denying. Denying is the worst among the worst of all promises. "Hey. You promised me this this this..." Next thing you know they smirk and go "don't be stupid, I never did such thing" yeah you may regret ever believing in them but honestly what can you do? Nothing. You can just sigh there and question yourself on why you do that. Sometimes I wish that things like this wouldn't happen. Sometimes I wish a promise can last. Last and happen.

Until next time.

Greed.

Life is unbelievable. Greed take up everything. They take up what your family thinks what your friends thinks sometimes causes to useless troubles. But then again ,what are humans without trouble and greed? That's something we obviously cannot live without. Our emotion tends to drive us to ends. Our greedy self would tend to back us up making us think of the unfair and make ourselves the pity one while that may not be the whole truth itself. It's silly how a person thinks, how they think their all fair and justice and judge others all they want when in reality they themselves cannot do better. It's a stupid life concept but then people still do it regardless.
Where's that pure soul from long ago? The untainted soul, the one that sparkles and shines so bright. The one that our society will crush and ignore? It already seem impossible enough for me to find myself a great friend who will be there for me regardless, and now there's this?
I tend to wonder where our society goes to. Why this why that? Where's the real answer. Am I stupid? Shouldn't I be satisfied already with the result? No. Well I guess human never intended to change. And the best they can do would probably be self realization.

Jealousy.

I hate jealousy, it can happen anytime, anywhere, with just about any reason. You tend to get jealous over people having a better life, others having better friends, or boy/girlfriends, even family treatments.
Sometimes it gets overwhelming when jealousy hits, and other times you just feel like anything can happen when insecurity hits. Jealousy and insecurity once crosses each other, their like best friends, like two magnets being super glued together. You cannot separate them, even when events tends to solve itself at times there's really no such thing as a complete trust. At one point in life you're going to end up not trusting your other half in life, especially when their close friend or the friend they end up always hang around is an opposite sex. And they get along way better than you getting along with your other half. You tend to feel like you're losing it, perhaps towards just your own mind or to jealousy and insecurity but for whatever reason it is, most of the time we don't speak of it because it may be embarrassing to talk about it or just simply wanted to act all mighty and strong when simply you're nothing near that when jealousy and insecurity comes.
Funny thing is most of the times it's always the guys having more famine friends than girls having masculine friends. Don't you know I get jealous too? Don't you know even though I don't show it but every time when you talk to one of your friend that is a girl? Haha of course you wouldn't know because I don't tell you things like this. You may think your insecurity is higher than mine, but if I can get jealous of nearly every girl that gets close to you you think I wouldn't be more insecure in comparison to you? You idiot. I care for you too much but I don't express it for some strange reason. Maybe i am just scared and wants to act strong. But why does it hurt so much to act strong? Why does it always hurt to act strong?
But it's not like I can tell you to not make friends with girls. Your nature is to flirt, even if you don't notice. I hate myself for choosing you, but I never regretted it. Even despite the fact that 99% of your friends are all girls and are decent looking ones too. Sometimes makes me wonder if you really do care about how I feel.
Maybe I just think too much, but really, wearing something that someone gives you and that's a girl? I really question myself if you really understand me at all or not. Though I may not know myself much, I am a extremely insecure person that though i trust people easily I don't trust anyone completely. I don't tell people about my personal things much nor do I ever express my sorrow out. I'd rather scream and cry and rage by myself than to tell others. I'd rather shed tears in the corner than to let others see. Though I am social and talk to people a lot and act all crazy no one knows how I think in the inside nor do you. But of course all these wouldn't matter now would it?
Silly me getting depress and insecure and jealous of you wearing the bracelet she made for you. Well thanks for not even telling me about it. because you know it may be the smallest thing to you, to me it's by far the biggest thing. Ha, and to think we'd have a far future and you don't even know I am always so insecure, let's just see how far it's gonna last till you finally notice me in that crowd of girls you flirt. But just saying if you ever touch me with that bracelet on your arm, or even if you're gonna be wearing that bracelet at all don't bother touching me. I am an ambitious woman. Damn it.

Guys, is there any guys out there that actually care about girls and how they feel? Or are those guys already ancient history?

One more question, am I a bit overboard to get jealous of that post on fb? Of a girl giving a guy a bracelet? Of them being such close friends? ): is it really just me and my insecurities?! are there any other girls out there that would feel the same way as me? I think I need a therapist or someone to give me good relationship advice.

Friending limit.

To me, I have one type of concept that maybe some can related, some have the same and the rest would think I am just being unreasonable. I don't like my date or boyfriends to be friended with my friends.
Was is because of jealousy? Was it because of greed? But truly even I don't know why.

(written before inner self - unfinished )

Stress.

What is stress? Stress is this invisible wall, invisible unconsciousness that tend to tell us to head for the wrong thing at the wrong time. It's stress that sometimes leads anger to a place where we never thought of going. It is stress that made us regret our every action we have done upon anger that harmed everyone along the way. And it was stress that lead many people like him to making me writing this post.

He was just an ordinary college kid, with a few extraordinary qualities. Their not all extraordinarily good or extraordinarily bad but then to many it wouldn't be tolerate-able because of how short his temper is when he is in a bad mood or under stress. Sometimes even I can't handle such a personality. But I hide it, I hide the fact that I couldn't handle it. I pretended to be strong but end up hurting the most. Shattered in the corner, breaking down alone later. You see, one thing worst about stresses is the fact that you tend to lead others to depression or anger too. You just simply unconsciously drag them down.

Tonight he was stressed, stressed not from just the workload but having less then the regular amount of sleep people tends to have. Getting back to his dorm, tired as he was at 4, he receives his girlfriends call, without second thoughts he picks it up and without complains he stays with her all the way until 5 o'clock. He was dead tired, after all he could have been already laying down on his bed relaxing and dreaming about the most amazing-est thing, yet he chooses to be with her simply because she asked him to. Simply because she fell asleep and ended up not calling him hours before. Simply because she cannot get over the fact that she didn't talk to him and simply most important one of all, she misses his voice.

Tonight like last night she fell asleep, though it didn't take long before she awaken. She again thought she overslept and instantly called him but during the ringing of the phone she suddenly remember what happened, she had a fight with him because he could talk to her while working. In a way is understandable but in another it's unreasonable for her to be mad, I mean after all he was only working so hard and up to so late just for her.

The conversation started out like usual conversations but later as it progresses the table tends to turn and it became uneasy on both of them. One side was under huge load of stress not getting enough sleep the whole week through as far as since Monday meanwhile the girl is the one being released at. But she don't mind, though some words crushed her like being stabbed on the back she knew that he was under stress, she convinces herself that it's alright. Secretly there were tears in her eyes from listening to all the harshness but she didn't minded a thing, she knew that if releasing it like that would make him feel better then why not? If to lower ones self esteem and Hirt others can make others happy, especially him then why not?
To surprise this wasn't the first time they ever did such a conversation.
In fact they do this back in the days when there was nothing between them, but that's another story.