Confused and lost in denial..

Sometimes we tend to be in denial really often,
thinking that we can undo what was done,
thinking that maybe things would turn and change,
thinking that life can still be the same.

What we dont know was,
that these werent the reality,
just something you desire,
somemthing you wished for and craved for,
something you like to convience yourself its true.

Where's that real part of me?
Where is the part of me that is expressing the real feeling?
Why can't I feel any of those.
Why am I so confused standing here,
by myself.

Do I deserve this?
Do I even deserve love?
Please can someone please tell me what to do?
Can someone please?

Money status.

I look around, and found myself where I started,
the around looks so strange to me,
maybe its because I am not used to this.
The people I thought I knew before
the places I thought I been before,
they're all gone,
shattered,
and disappeared .

I thought that she, among everyone else knew me the best,
but then maybe, family, not by purely just dont do.
When its not pure, jealousy will be in the way,
thus cause the inner war, that was never to be set.

Was it wrong to stick with what I have believed in?
Was in wrong to think that maybe, just maybe money value is more different?
Maybe some people are right,
money do change people,
money to control people.
when you have a lot of money,
when you're wealthy,
the little you give, counts a lot, and thus makes you the kindest.
when you have a little money,
and you give as much as you can,
or maybe, sometimes just that thought,
people may think you're greedy,
and just turn aside and talk behind your back.
Money status,
money status,
in the year 2012 and beyond,
it may be everything.




What is money status?

College Fresh Journal 1

     College, such a strange term, higher education they say, but to me things are worst in college than in high school. In all the classes, I tend to felt left out, everyone there have so many friends, and even in class, meanwhile I on the other hand always seem like the one who is left out, the one who doesnt belong in the group. I often ask myself, what is the cause? Is it my fault? Am I just not socially fit to be around?
      Everytime when me and my group of friends I met in college hang out, eventually as we walk together, the group will start forming two by twos, and then I will be the extra thrid, or the lonely one, but rarely the two by twos. Sometimes I get jealous, and sometimes I am just simply confused, why arent I able to be in groups with them? Then some sudden realization hit me, I am just not cut for it.
      But when today, missing a test in college japanese class, I got two text from two different friends, asking for my where abouts, and telling me, reminding me that there's a test today. I suddenly felt so warm inside, so happy. It's those unexpected thoughts that makes up for your terrible day. All of a sudden, I felt my importance.

Thank you Nat, Josh. Forever grateful to have you guys around me.

Promises

GOD DAMN IT BLOGGER. LOST MY THREE PARAGRAPH BLOG. I HATE MOBILE VERSION NOW DAMN IT!

Promises, what are promises? What are promises suppose to be? A joke? A thing to forget almost instantly? If you were to promise someone something then why would you forget it? Shouldn't you care enough to remember what is it and achieve it? Shouldn't you put it into priority before everything else that aren't a promise?
Promise is such a down fall in humanity. People trust them, and then they fall. People who doesn't trust then will end up alone. So what can we possibly do? If people would be more trustworthy then this world may be better off.
But then again, what is promises? A pinky? A thumb? A thought? Or a heart? how much efforts are you willing to put into a promise? By putting effort it doesn't just mean achieve it and maintain it but to actually remember it forever. Even though they promise things and we as the people they promise to should remind them but then shouldn't they remember it better than us? Not because their the ones doing it but because their the ones who promised it prior to us who didn't.
And then there's the other thing, denying. Denying is the worst among the worst of all promises. "Hey. You promised me this this this..." Next thing you know they smirk and go "don't be stupid, I never did such thing" yeah you may regret ever believing in them but honestly what can you do? Nothing. You can just sigh there and question yourself on why you do that. Sometimes I wish that things like this wouldn't happen. Sometimes I wish a promise can last. Last and happen.

Until next time.

Realization

It took me long enough, but I finally realized, sometimes things you desire the most tends to hurt you the most, because deep down you know you won't be able to obtain it. Seeing everyone else with it will just raise up the question of why god is being so unfair and treating people unequally. It's raining outside, I always thought depressing moments were during the rain because itself just adds on this bonus of atmosphere. It's quite funny, arguing with someone whom you thought was close to you and knew you well and then suddenly realize that he actually doesn't know you. Those insecure feelings tends to chill up your spine. Here I am in denial, continuously telling myself that I am spoiled and already have a good enough life and boyfriend. Such a stupid thought, because truthfully no one knows me well. I was so stupid to think that people would understand me completely. I mean even myself doesn't understand me.
Sometimes I wish I could just stand out in the rain and scream and cry, just to let all those guilt and things. Just to release those anger out of my system.
Guys, they never understand girls no matter how much they claim to understand them. Thinking that hanging up when I am I. The bad mood and avoid argument and attitude problem, well he never thought that for 18 years at random time I would wish that there is someone who would be there for me. Thinking that my dad would be is just the worst enough, here comes a stubborn chic who just simply turns.
Sigh, what do I do?

We until then!

Greed.

Life is unbelievable. Greed take up everything. They take up what your family thinks what your friends thinks sometimes causes to useless troubles. But then again ,what are humans without trouble and greed? That's something we obviously cannot live without. Our emotion tends to drive us to ends. Our greedy self would tend to back us up making us think of the unfair and make ourselves the pity one while that may not be the whole truth itself. It's silly how a person thinks, how they think their all fair and justice and judge others all they want when in reality they themselves cannot do better. It's a stupid life concept but then people still do it regardless.
Where's that pure soul from long ago? The untainted soul, the one that sparkles and shines so bright. The one that our society will crush and ignore? It already seem impossible enough for me to find myself a great friend who will be there for me regardless, and now there's this?
I tend to wonder where our society goes to. Why this why that? Where's the real answer. Am I stupid? Shouldn't I be satisfied already with the result? No. Well I guess human never intended to change. And the best they can do would probably be self realization.

Sex.

How important is sex to girls verses sex to guys? Sticking a penis into someone's vagina, how important is that? Oh yes. To you men out there, it's probably a pleasure to be able to fuck some random girl on the street as long as its in your zone?
To girls losing virginity

The sun that comes out after the storm.

Maybe things didn't turn out the way it is, maybe at times rather than being all stubborn and shy being outgoing in life is important.

10-28-2012

Importance.

That's a very very important word in our society. It's the people we choose over others, the things we would rather talk about in compare to many other available topics we could have had picked. It's the people around us we choose to get close to. It's the things we would rather do in comparison to doing other things because truly, time is limited.
Importance place a huge role in many different things. Would you rather hang out with your family, your friends, or your love one on the weekend or on a holiday tends to be one of the tough questions. Though some choices are harder than others, but it's nearly impossible to choose one of a billion if you know what I mean. It's not like you can always group two together and merge them like photoshop, it doesn't always work out. And sometimes the choices you make may lead to regret but at least you have set your priority straight from the beginning.
He on the other hand does as well, and of course I am not the first thing or even the first set of things on his priority. It sometimes hurt me a lot to to admit the truth, but then again it's true. He chooses education, famil, food and video gaming over me. I am not saying that is wrong or anything since education last a life time in compare to relations so does family, well most of the time. And its totally not wrong to choose them over me. But honestly, if you were to think I am messed up for not ditching my family's Christmas celebration than damn you are wrong. You would rather what? Not celebrate at all than to celebrate it on the actual date? You think it looses it's meaning of I don't celebrate the actual day with you? God damn it, when the hell do you see me complaining when you choose your family over me. You are so judgmental and as well as a hypocrite, you might as well just go in and blame me for everything else. Yeah no point of coming home early from your vocation now that you realize your girlfriend is gonna spend her Christmas with her family? Well okay then, if that is how you feel then please might as well just stay there longer. Because you know other days are not as worthful in compare?
Damn it, wanting you to stop eating junk food all the time is it for my benefit or yours? I dont even know anymore. "nothing can come in between me and food" well okay, gee thanks for making me feel less important than I already am.
Then now even video game is more important than me that you rather hang up while I am talking than to actually hear me talk? Well you know what, I regret thinking about you, I regret worrying about you getting worried of me. And I regret having those excitement that I have when I get to talk to you when I get home. I get to finally have a quite night with you at your house phone convo ing. That finally I can spend the rest of the next two days hopefully with you. And such and such, but then hey, I might be wrong about having those thoughts. Even though you worked so hard to come back on the weekends, though you need video game to relax but god damn hanging on me and just spend the rest of your night on video games, how the hell is that right ?
You don't see me watching drama and go like I must finish this episode before I stop. Or even do anything when I talk to you. No matter what time you call, of I am watching drama, playing a game, writing homework, doodling and chatting with my friends, I would stop and lie down to talk to you. Why the hell can't you do the same thing automatically without me begging you to and nagging you to?
Well my bad, perhaps i should be more acceptance towards who you are and how you are but honestly come on! It's just making me feel like an unimportant object that when you need you have and when you don't need you can just toss her to the fucking side.

Well...am I wrong?

insecurities

      Why doesn't guys have the sense of "reasonablity" in compare to women? They don't understand how jealous women can get at times, they dont understand the insecurity we have either. All they know is oh "I love you" this, oh "I love you" that. But honestly how much do each of those words mean to them actually? I hate guys being close to girls as friends, it never turns well, something always would happen, and then jealousy hits. Then with that in mind, everything is over. I know it may sound stupid, but it's quite true, I mean think about this, if your boyfriend or girlfriend have a close friend who is the opposite sex, and even though you know they say oh this that this that will never happen, yet they hang around all the time, and he/she wears the hand made gift that the other made, then what will you think? Obviously more and more of things that shouldn't be thought about.

     Stupid communication, I know you can talk things though, but to girls things are harder to talk though in compare to guys. Guys can be super straight forward and they just sound cute and adorable trying to protect the one they love from others. But as for girls when they go straight forward, it makes them sound greedy, rude, and not lady-like. Oh please, like that is obviously what I am aiming for here. NOT! This is how this retarded society works, you can both be in the same position doing the same thing, but yet still judged differently. I hate these kind of sexist sterotypes, it tends to get on to my bad side.

Weather.

     Weather tends to be one of the main keys on people and their attitude towards the day and everything else. Weather is the thing we rely on to help us choose our daily wardrobe and other things. Weather is the main key of events going on in our daily life, without it, it may just seem strange, or rather unlivable.
     What gave me this topic out of ransom? These past few days, the weather here in California is extremely cold, cold to a point where it almost nearly seemed like if we're in the middle of the winter when in fact we're just in the mid-falls. These few weeks the clouds been moving and shifting everywhere, which creates this amazing site for many photographer, or people who loves clouds like me personally. My friends tend to think I am extremely weird, been taking pictures of clouds like nearly everyday when I see something worth a picture of. To them, its just a set of clouds that are moving in a rather slow speed, but to me, its a amazing site, its a calming scene, its a beautiful painting or photograph, its art. Of course I am not expecting my readers or anyone else to understand this concept since you know, its just from my point of view, but I hope that you guys at least feel where I am getting at.
    For example, on sunny days, you may feel happier than gloomy cloudy days just because the coloring of different scene is brighter when its sunny than when its cloudy. And just like sunny, for raining day it can get extremely depressing, thinking about having to bring an umbrella, having to stay warm and stay dry and all those other stuff. For students like me who doesn't own a car, can't drive yet, and walks home simply because parents refuse to drive me home, I hated raining days. Even since when I was young i hated raining days, since i was a hyperactive kid, every time when it rains, it means I cannot go out and play, I cannot run around without worrying about getting wet and getting lectured. And how cold it is, and how i need to try dry and warm or else I'd get sick. Its those things that gets me when I was young, but still similar things even as I reached older. Walking 45 minutes minimum home, climbing hills tends to be a challenge when its raining, especially those storms with strong wind, unless you have an umbrella that covers your front completely or which ever direction the wind is coming from, one side of your body, most likely the front is going to be soaked as well. And when you're walking home from school, its most likely you'd carry a backpack. Backpack always tends to stick out unless you have  a big umbrella, so which makes the situation worst, because you have to worry about the workbook, textbook, and homework that is in your backpack that may get wet, and then you have to either carry it retardedly by the front, or try moving/shifting your umbrella a little behind so then it would cover up the backpack. So just overall day, when it rains, to me its depressing.
    It's funny, because in the beginning I wasn't even planning to talk about raining days, I was just thinking about the different scene of the weather, but i guess might as well since I am already here you know. My main point was more towards temperture of the weather rather than the different kinds of weather itself. I was gonna say on hot humid weathers, or even hot dry weather, people's temper tends to bend and change and get grumpy easily over the strangest and the most unreasonable reason there are. In comparison on cold calming weather, though you might be cold and freezing to death, your temper would not be as bad as if you're hot. It's a strange thought but then isn't it true? Even for people who likes the heat more than coldness. Think about this, think about those people who said that and the way they act in different weather and tell me I am wrong. But you know, nature is a sort of art, and we as human beings are all a sort of art. Our attitude, our personality, all are part of arts as well. Maybe that's why we having art in our lives today. Perhaps that was part of the origin of art? Who knows....

Jealousy.

I hate jealousy, it can happen anytime, anywhere, with just about any reason. You tend to get jealous over people having a better life, others having better friends, or boy/girlfriends, even family treatments.
Sometimes it gets overwhelming when jealousy hits, and other times you just feel like anything can happen when insecurity hits. Jealousy and insecurity once crosses each other, their like best friends, like two magnets being super glued together. You cannot separate them, even when events tends to solve itself at times there's really no such thing as a complete trust. At one point in life you're going to end up not trusting your other half in life, especially when their close friend or the friend they end up always hang around is an opposite sex. And they get along way better than you getting along with your other half. You tend to feel like you're losing it, perhaps towards just your own mind or to jealousy and insecurity but for whatever reason it is, most of the time we don't speak of it because it may be embarrassing to talk about it or just simply wanted to act all mighty and strong when simply you're nothing near that when jealousy and insecurity comes.
Funny thing is most of the times it's always the guys having more famine friends than girls having masculine friends. Don't you know I get jealous too? Don't you know even though I don't show it but every time when you talk to one of your friend that is a girl? Haha of course you wouldn't know because I don't tell you things like this. You may think your insecurity is higher than mine, but if I can get jealous of nearly every girl that gets close to you you think I wouldn't be more insecure in comparison to you? You idiot. I care for you too much but I don't express it for some strange reason. Maybe i am just scared and wants to act strong. But why does it hurt so much to act strong? Why does it always hurt to act strong?
But it's not like I can tell you to not make friends with girls. Your nature is to flirt, even if you don't notice. I hate myself for choosing you, but I never regretted it. Even despite the fact that 99% of your friends are all girls and are decent looking ones too. Sometimes makes me wonder if you really do care about how I feel.
Maybe I just think too much, but really, wearing something that someone gives you and that's a girl? I really question myself if you really understand me at all or not. Though I may not know myself much, I am a extremely insecure person that though i trust people easily I don't trust anyone completely. I don't tell people about my personal things much nor do I ever express my sorrow out. I'd rather scream and cry and rage by myself than to tell others. I'd rather shed tears in the corner than to let others see. Though I am social and talk to people a lot and act all crazy no one knows how I think in the inside nor do you. But of course all these wouldn't matter now would it?
Silly me getting depress and insecure and jealous of you wearing the bracelet she made for you. Well thanks for not even telling me about it. because you know it may be the smallest thing to you, to me it's by far the biggest thing. Ha, and to think we'd have a far future and you don't even know I am always so insecure, let's just see how far it's gonna last till you finally notice me in that crowd of girls you flirt. But just saying if you ever touch me with that bracelet on your arm, or even if you're gonna be wearing that bracelet at all don't bother touching me. I am an ambitious woman. Damn it.

Guys, is there any guys out there that actually care about girls and how they feel? Or are those guys already ancient history?

One more question, am I a bit overboard to get jealous of that post on fb? Of a girl giving a guy a bracelet? Of them being such close friends? ): is it really just me and my insecurities?! are there any other girls out there that would feel the same way as me? I think I need a therapist or someone to give me good relationship advice.

Reasonings.

What are they? What is reasonings? Why do we fucking need reasonings? Is it because without them we cannot explain ourselves and our emotions? Or is it because without them things become doll and boring. Perhaps less understood? We all have the period of time where we are tired of reasonings and just wished that things could explain itself.
Many of the time people cannot find the reasonings and end up spending their whole life devoting to finding the reasoning. What a stupid logic.
No offense or anything but spending your whole life on finding a reasoning that might be useless, how how is that chance? Sure higher than finding something useful of a reasoning that haven't been found yet.
Why do we sometimes runaway from the reality? The real reasoning? Is it the fear of finding out the truth or is it because of the fact that we already know the truth and reasoning but just in denial ?
Oh how I love our human mind..

Wasn't over.

Many things always tends to come to an unexpected ending. Many tends to be regretful things, like vintage. Vintage was a great person, he did everything to please me. He did everything he can to get me in fact. Yet my heart though did move for him didn't move for his action. Thought many of you I believe don't even believe true love, but Ye and I was definitely true love. My heart beater fast for him, his heart beated fast for me, I really don't think there's anyone else's out there that will give me that kind of feel. I doubt anyone out there can even beat their hearts for me. I knew he is real. And his love for me is real. I can feel it through all those effort he had put in for me, all five years of effort. That short period that he had been with me. Those amazing moments.
Now I moved on, my heartlessness caught on and I moved on. Student decision I sometimes tell myself. But then once again who would care? My current one though does love me and does care for me just like me caring for him and all but our hearts doesn't beat for each other like vintage. Like i said, no one can replace vintage nor how he is like to me, nor those heartbeating moments. I guess I am a hypocrite. A big one too. When I was little always thought oh true love is everything,all those realist are stupid, breaking up with the people they love for what purpose? To get with people with potential or smarter. To get with richer people. Damn it Jenny, you're becoming one of them you know that?

It's been completely over since 4 month and some days ago, but then honestly was I ever over it? Was I? I thought I was when I realize how much I have felt for Now. But was I wrong about that too? I had another dream of vintage again. This time it was some game show, but all students from my high school were there. But I don't know why Danny wasn't there. All I know is I was on charge of passing random seating card to people and everyone was first running around hard to catch and then groups began to sit down at some stadium all of a sudden. But then anyways, I was assigning random cards to random people. And there was William, I gave him a card and walk off then realizing I had his other card and gave him the wrong one, because each were suppose to have two cards that have the same seating. So I went back and grabbed his card and gave him the other one. And Connie was there staring with her lovey dovey eyes. But this was way after I guess I was already with Now because everything felt so awkward and I didn't have the guts to talk to vintage because of all the guilts I had. What should I do? I don't even know anymore....
On this cloudy day, it just makes me think more. Sigh.

Inner Self.

Sometimes I wonder, what is your actual personality like. The inner self that you sometimes refuse to reveal, sometimes scared you wouldn't blend in well, and just decided that its better if it is hidden. But is it true that your inner self is not likable by others? I tend to question that at times. 

I sometimes thought, being true to yourself is all you have to do, but then apparently I am wrong. sometimes rather than just being true to yourself, you have to be true to others, and express out how you feel about others, especially in relationships for them to work. 

 I am such a big hypocrite, now thinking about it, I would judge everyone for literally everything but then when it comes to me, I tend to think others are messed up for judging me when they don't even know me. But the reality is that, I do that to others as well and others would question me the same thing in their head I bet. what's wrong with this society? Why is everyone like this? I make mistake, and then I regret, and started wondering why I did that. Doesn't everyone do that? When they feel the inner rage, whatever comes will become a threat, and whatever goes will become a damage. And you can only hold onto yourself for so long until it explodes. The more you hold in, the more explosive you are to everyone else later on. Which is why I hate myself sometimes. 

Why am i writing this out of no where? I dont even know either, something just tells me that i should post something. And watching gossip girls, and american horror stories both just starting at season 1, i feel more and more of this messed up society. That inner rage of why we are like this just tends to hit me so many times.

But seriously, why are we on this world? And what is the purpose of this? 

Friending limit.

To me, I have one type of concept that maybe some can related, some have the same and the rest would think I am just being unreasonable. I don't like my date or boyfriends to be friended with my friends.
Was is because of jealousy? Was it because of greed? But truly even I don't know why.

(written before inner self - unfinished )

The clouds.

When the clouds are clear when the fogs are gone, things yet to be seen clears up as well. The sudden realization of your surrounding after a little rest, a little break, a little clam, tends to flip all different kinds of thoughts around. The guilt after the storm, the anger after the confusion clears and things unties itself. Sometimes it may leave you with regret while other times it's those sincerity that helps you pass the storm without getting another one.

It's those moments you realize how much trouble you have caused and how much things you have said that you shouldn't even say.
For some, thought they feel the guilt, they have no idea how much they have harmed the other person before head .

That's greedy; the unconscious greed we tend to born with. Some just have more than others. Which tends to lead me to disappointment many times in the human beings and how selfish they are. Of course me myself am selfish at time as well, but I am just not that big of a greedy butt in compare. Yes, you can say I am a hypocrite all you want but you cannot deny the fact and say you are not greedy at all.


He called me this morning, apologizing for treating me how he treated me earlier today, he said to not take in any of the harsh words he say but even if I know he didn't really...mean what he says, how can you not take those things in at all. Especially on how harsh they are! Not noticing me getting a hair cut while everyone else noticed is one thing, but then saying that I need a haircut even right after me getting a haircut is just a bit overboard don't you think? Everyone thinks its not bad especially now i have bangs in compare to before without bangs. Yet he calls it ugly, thinking that nothing about my hair changed. Wow, and yet he expects so much from me.

This earlier morning he raged about not just my hair and the looks of it but the way I dressed. He said he ha to bare with it, the ugly t-shirts I wear and the ugly sweats. He went on saying how I should be fucking lucky and grateful for his acceptance over me and my unfashionable clothings but seriously, I changed the way i dressed so much in compare to before. Yet he isn't satisfied, what's his problem?

Then going on mentioning about our third monthiversary, saying how stupid I was enforcing a ugly jacket on, on such a ridiculous weather for a jacket. How I refuse to make him make me pretty. How I am not comprehending and working with him. Well if is wasn't for the jacket, I would have been frozen to death in the movie theater with their extremely strong AC. He responded my arguement with a stupid support, he said "how the fuck would you know that we would be fucking for to the movie theater?" In his head, he must have been thinking, "excuses, excuses, why can't she just fucking admit that it's her fault?"
Well whatever, whether you can find this blog or not, whether you read this or not. The whole point of this is only for me and many to read. I have no other purposes. But thanks for making me realize how stupid I am to be sticking with you and how stupid you are to not realize how much it hurts me when you wrote those.

Until next post!!

Stress.

What is stress? Stress is this invisible wall, invisible unconsciousness that tend to tell us to head for the wrong thing at the wrong time. It's stress that sometimes leads anger to a place where we never thought of going. It is stress that made us regret our every action we have done upon anger that harmed everyone along the way. And it was stress that lead many people like him to making me writing this post.

He was just an ordinary college kid, with a few extraordinary qualities. Their not all extraordinarily good or extraordinarily bad but then to many it wouldn't be tolerate-able because of how short his temper is when he is in a bad mood or under stress. Sometimes even I can't handle such a personality. But I hide it, I hide the fact that I couldn't handle it. I pretended to be strong but end up hurting the most. Shattered in the corner, breaking down alone later. You see, one thing worst about stresses is the fact that you tend to lead others to depression or anger too. You just simply unconsciously drag them down.

Tonight he was stressed, stressed not from just the workload but having less then the regular amount of sleep people tends to have. Getting back to his dorm, tired as he was at 4, he receives his girlfriends call, without second thoughts he picks it up and without complains he stays with her all the way until 5 o'clock. He was dead tired, after all he could have been already laying down on his bed relaxing and dreaming about the most amazing-est thing, yet he chooses to be with her simply because she asked him to. Simply because she fell asleep and ended up not calling him hours before. Simply because she cannot get over the fact that she didn't talk to him and simply most important one of all, she misses his voice.

Tonight like last night she fell asleep, though it didn't take long before she awaken. She again thought she overslept and instantly called him but during the ringing of the phone she suddenly remember what happened, she had a fight with him because he could talk to her while working. In a way is understandable but in another it's unreasonable for her to be mad, I mean after all he was only working so hard and up to so late just for her.

The conversation started out like usual conversations but later as it progresses the table tends to turn and it became uneasy on both of them. One side was under huge load of stress not getting enough sleep the whole week through as far as since Monday meanwhile the girl is the one being released at. But she don't mind, though some words crushed her like being stabbed on the back she knew that he was under stress, she convinces herself that it's alright. Secretly there were tears in her eyes from listening to all the harshness but she didn't minded a thing, she knew that if releasing it like that would make him feel better then why not? If to lower ones self esteem and Hirt others can make others happy, especially him then why not?
To surprise this wasn't the first time they ever did such a conversation.
In fact they do this back in the days when there was nothing between them, but that's another story.

Men's Hormone and Desires

     Why don't you ever think about how others feel? Why does the world always evolve around you and only you? I know according to you the relationship involved not just one but two of us and with the two of us, two opinions must be shared.
It’s true, all the things you stated, and they are true. But how much of my thoughts are within your thoughts when you conclude “we” and “us” in each and every one of your sentences, and how much of “you” or “I” is included in that sentence?
Everyone is greedy in their own way, they just don’t notice. Even when it comes to the nicest people, they have some greedy somewhere upon them that they just don’t show but it’s still there.
I hate how you thread me with your insecure, and use it as excuse each time when you want to know something or when you want to do something. Sex is simply an action, an action many men tends to pray for and desire much especially from their other half, and if not, from a girl. Many desire strongly to a point where they lose their senses and others just have those sudden male hormone rush that take over their mind. But for whatever it is, girls like us are the ones who suffer.
With a man threaten to take your virginity away because he claimed without taking it away from his girlfriend he feels insecure, someone tell me what kind of logic is behind such sense? In what universe is that a kind of acceptable logic to people? Perhaps to men it’s someone sensible, more like a great excuse to take it away, but to girls, it’s a threat, a set of black mail, and forceful way of saying, “Hey! If you don’t hand over your virginity to me and have sex with me, I will break up with you or cheat on you, or if I find a girl who can do the things you can’t I will leave you and do it with her.”
Like seriously, did all the traditional men suddenly die or something? Or is it just greedy that men tend to grow when the relationship is overtime? It’s only been nearly the end of our 3^rd month being together, and I am being responsible for giving him my virginity, and according to him waiting a year is too long? Wow, what am I to you? The love of your life or some temporary toy you want to use as a sex machine? Honestly, because I don’t know either.

The second of 8th.

It's three forty in the morning, and things were falling into places but at the same time falling apart.

Calling him having him pick up and getting out of bed is sweet and all. But sticking with the lies hurts me like being cut my a knife. Why can't he just tell me the truth? Why does he have to hide things?

Why couldn't he tell me the whole truth rather than half truth. It's true that on Wednesday morning October third Connie texted Danny about having nightmare of Justin Bieber. Having a race w him. Yeah that's true, but what was the other side of truth was that he called her that very morning at two o clock. Telling her about how it begun , how it happened, and when it happened. And she I guess told him more about my family background and me and such thing.
They were texting even before then like everyday sigh why didn't he and won't he tell me.
Why?
Though he now promised that he will never text to her, exception after my birthday (that secret prom recreation in the park he was trying to make. But seriously buying me a hollister dress and forcing me to wear it at night in the park is terrible.)
HA HA HA! (:

Well
There goes the end
Of the new beginning.

The second of 8th, if you ever wonder it means OCT ober 2nd indirectly.
It have an indirect meaning but we ll see and find out how it goes.

But if you end up finding my blog one day, please think all the things I wrote thru even though I doubt you will ever find it even tho it's in public.

" there's always bumps in a relationship, it can be happy, sad, but it's what's in the middle that is what we will remember."

Why did he say he never called her ? When in fact he did. Why?
Why?

Trust.

Like let's all be honest here. What is trust exactly? Is it a object? No. A feeling? No. Then what in the world is it?
Its funny how things turns out, how once trust is lost its nearly impossible to get back.

It's true.

Why do lie? Friendly lies can never hurt anyone they say, ha what a lie. Regardless of whether it's friendly or not, lying is lying and to me it's a part of trust you had in that person that is lost.
Relationships builds on trust, and when you grow doubts in a person, you will soon realize your mistake and:or hope they do the same too.

Dear the one I cared for dearly ,
I am terribly sorry for lying to you: it wasn't from your best friend's random message scrolling that caught my eyes. It was the wonder curiosity and the stalking mode girlfriends tend to have hidden within them that got to this. While you were eating and chatting w your best friend downstairs and entrusting your phone w me, I looked through it and checked your message, at first was just to pass the time but then after staring at the menu for nearly 15 minutes I realize you texted my best friend.
Though you promised you wouldn't text her, though you promised you wouldn't lie, you still texted her and lied to me about it.
My pure stupidity lead me to this, yes definitely.
I should've known, why did I make it do obvious? I could have faked emotions like how I did it in high school yet I didn't. Oh silly me.

I confronted him, told him that during his best friends message scrolling I saw her last text was at October 3rd Wednesday. He told me that he thought when I said not to text her? That replying didn't count as texting her. How the heck is it not? I asked him if he texted her inbetween from the time where I told him to stop texting her to the time where they last texted , Wednesday , and he said no.
I wouldn't have bought it even if I didn't see it for myself, but then I did, which make me realize something, that he have crappy lies, How does he expect me to buy that?

He told me that she texted him about her nightmare and that was it, they never texted before that.
And I was like oh so randomly, out of no where, in between the time where I told you not to text her a month ago till Wednesday you guys never texted?
"yup"
And out of no where she just decided to text you that she have a nightmare?
"yeah, how's that not possible? Kheysayc called me out of no where during class about hanging out and we never talked after skills."
That's freaking different, I know I am at wrong too for stalking him and reading partial messages, but it's not like lying isn't wrong, especially when he promised yesterday about the fact that he will never lie.
Then he said something that really got me. Even if I did I could have just erased it and you wouldn't know that it happened.

True.
True.
Sigh.

So what is trust then?

Hideous Fights

It's really funny how things always turns out. I mean one second you can be talking about the sweetest thing with your love one and the next second you could be in total breakdown from arguing. The most interesting thing is how the smallest argument can become a big fight if you don't contain it. I mean oh okay, its normal to have arguement once in a while, because a couple without  argument  are like apple candy without the stick, it's impossible to become perfect! And you know what I mean! I didnt actially mean perfect perfect, I just meant perfect enough to last long. Perfect couples never exist, only ones that are close to perfect exisit.
Its often like what they say in Chinese culture, "打是情罵是愛", like how should I say it? If translating it directly, it should be hit is feeling and nagging/yelling is love. Its quite a cute phrase that my boyfriend tend to use as excuse sometimes.
I understand that fighting is essential in an relationship, but when you have two dominate ones in a relationship, and none of them back off, and with all the stubborness acquired, its almost impossible to separate those two and prevent them from fighting. Like honestly, for one to stop fighting its either one have to back up a step or they both do it at the same time or else it wouldn't stop.
To be honest, sometimes i even question myself, am I the one at the fault? Am I the one that did the wrongs? This is true for everyone, but when you get angry, you tend to make decision without second thoughts of the consequence  And most of the time it leads to terrible after shock. And sometimes regretful pain. I mean you can be reading this now and not take any of this in, or thinking, oh this will never happen to me, or I will change, but trust me, that's just the thought before you're actually angry. I mean when you actually get angry that's a different thing, trust me, you wouldn't completely do all the things you have told yourself to do beforehead.

Am I crazy for writing my first blog at 2:01 AM on a school day when there's a quiz tomorrow for my 5 unit Japanese Class? Yeah I am definitely crazy alright.
Well that's it for now,

best wishes readers!
-Jenny (: