Confused and lost in denial..

Sometimes we tend to be in denial really often,
thinking that we can undo what was done,
thinking that maybe things would turn and change,
thinking that life can still be the same.

What we dont know was,
that these werent the reality,
just something you desire,
somemthing you wished for and craved for,
something you like to convience yourself its true.

Where's that real part of me?
Where is the part of me that is expressing the real feeling?
Why can't I feel any of those.
Why am I so confused standing here,
by myself.

Do I deserve this?
Do I even deserve love?
Please can someone please tell me what to do?
Can someone please?

Money status.

I look around, and found myself where I started,
the around looks so strange to me,
maybe its because I am not used to this.
The people I thought I knew before
the places I thought I been before,
they're all gone,
shattered,
and disappeared .

I thought that she, among everyone else knew me the best,
but then maybe, family, not by purely just dont do.
When its not pure, jealousy will be in the way,
thus cause the inner war, that was never to be set.

Was it wrong to stick with what I have believed in?
Was in wrong to think that maybe, just maybe money value is more different?
Maybe some people are right,
money do change people,
money to control people.
when you have a lot of money,
when you're wealthy,
the little you give, counts a lot, and thus makes you the kindest.
when you have a little money,
and you give as much as you can,
or maybe, sometimes just that thought,
people may think you're greedy,
and just turn aside and talk behind your back.
Money status,
money status,
in the year 2012 and beyond,
it may be everything.




What is money status?

College Fresh Journal 1

     College, such a strange term, higher education they say, but to me things are worst in college than in high school. In all the classes, I tend to felt left out, everyone there have so many friends, and even in class, meanwhile I on the other hand always seem like the one who is left out, the one who doesnt belong in the group. I often ask myself, what is the cause? Is it my fault? Am I just not socially fit to be around?
      Everytime when me and my group of friends I met in college hang out, eventually as we walk together, the group will start forming two by twos, and then I will be the extra thrid, or the lonely one, but rarely the two by twos. Sometimes I get jealous, and sometimes I am just simply confused, why arent I able to be in groups with them? Then some sudden realization hit me, I am just not cut for it.
      But when today, missing a test in college japanese class, I got two text from two different friends, asking for my where abouts, and telling me, reminding me that there's a test today. I suddenly felt so warm inside, so happy. It's those unexpected thoughts that makes up for your terrible day. All of a sudden, I felt my importance.

Thank you Nat, Josh. Forever grateful to have you guys around me.

Promises

GOD DAMN IT BLOGGER. LOST MY THREE PARAGRAPH BLOG. I HATE MOBILE VERSION NOW DAMN IT!

Promises, what are promises? What are promises suppose to be? A joke? A thing to forget almost instantly? If you were to promise someone something then why would you forget it? Shouldn't you care enough to remember what is it and achieve it? Shouldn't you put it into priority before everything else that aren't a promise?
Promise is such a down fall in humanity. People trust them, and then they fall. People who doesn't trust then will end up alone. So what can we possibly do? If people would be more trustworthy then this world may be better off.
But then again, what is promises? A pinky? A thumb? A thought? Or a heart? how much efforts are you willing to put into a promise? By putting effort it doesn't just mean achieve it and maintain it but to actually remember it forever. Even though they promise things and we as the people they promise to should remind them but then shouldn't they remember it better than us? Not because their the ones doing it but because their the ones who promised it prior to us who didn't.
And then there's the other thing, denying. Denying is the worst among the worst of all promises. "Hey. You promised me this this this..." Next thing you know they smirk and go "don't be stupid, I never did such thing" yeah you may regret ever believing in them but honestly what can you do? Nothing. You can just sigh there and question yourself on why you do that. Sometimes I wish that things like this wouldn't happen. Sometimes I wish a promise can last. Last and happen.

Until next time.

Realization

It took me long enough, but I finally realized, sometimes things you desire the most tends to hurt you the most, because deep down you know you won't be able to obtain it. Seeing everyone else with it will just raise up the question of why god is being so unfair and treating people unequally. It's raining outside, I always thought depressing moments were during the rain because itself just adds on this bonus of atmosphere. It's quite funny, arguing with someone whom you thought was close to you and knew you well and then suddenly realize that he actually doesn't know you. Those insecure feelings tends to chill up your spine. Here I am in denial, continuously telling myself that I am spoiled and already have a good enough life and boyfriend. Such a stupid thought, because truthfully no one knows me well. I was so stupid to think that people would understand me completely. I mean even myself doesn't understand me.
Sometimes I wish I could just stand out in the rain and scream and cry, just to let all those guilt and things. Just to release those anger out of my system.
Guys, they never understand girls no matter how much they claim to understand them. Thinking that hanging up when I am I. The bad mood and avoid argument and attitude problem, well he never thought that for 18 years at random time I would wish that there is someone who would be there for me. Thinking that my dad would be is just the worst enough, here comes a stubborn chic who just simply turns.
Sigh, what do I do?

We until then!

Greed.

Life is unbelievable. Greed take up everything. They take up what your family thinks what your friends thinks sometimes causes to useless troubles. But then again ,what are humans without trouble and greed? That's something we obviously cannot live without. Our emotion tends to drive us to ends. Our greedy self would tend to back us up making us think of the unfair and make ourselves the pity one while that may not be the whole truth itself. It's silly how a person thinks, how they think their all fair and justice and judge others all they want when in reality they themselves cannot do better. It's a stupid life concept but then people still do it regardless.
Where's that pure soul from long ago? The untainted soul, the one that sparkles and shines so bright. The one that our society will crush and ignore? It already seem impossible enough for me to find myself a great friend who will be there for me regardless, and now there's this?
I tend to wonder where our society goes to. Why this why that? Where's the real answer. Am I stupid? Shouldn't I be satisfied already with the result? No. Well I guess human never intended to change. And the best they can do would probably be self realization.

Sex.

How important is sex to girls verses sex to guys? Sticking a penis into someone's vagina, how important is that? Oh yes. To you men out there, it's probably a pleasure to be able to fuck some random girl on the street as long as its in your zone?
To girls losing virginity