Maybe things didn't turn out the way it is, maybe at times rather than being all stubborn and shy being outgoing in life is important.
10-28-2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Importance.
That's a very very important word in our society. It's the people we choose over others, the things we would rather talk about in compare to many other available topics we could have had picked. It's the people around us we choose to get close to. It's the things we would rather do in comparison to doing other things because truly, time is limited.
Importance place a huge role in many different things. Would you rather hang out with your family, your friends, or your love one on the weekend or on a holiday tends to be one of the tough questions. Though some choices are harder than others, but it's nearly impossible to choose one of a billion if you know what I mean. It's not like you can always group two together and merge them like photoshop, it doesn't always work out. And sometimes the choices you make may lead to regret but at least you have set your priority straight from the beginning.
He on the other hand does as well, and of course I am not the first thing or even the first set of things on his priority. It sometimes hurt me a lot to to admit the truth, but then again it's true. He chooses education, famil, food and video gaming over me. I am not saying that is wrong or anything since education last a life time in compare to relations so does family, well most of the time. And its totally not wrong to choose them over me. But honestly, if you were to think I am messed up for not ditching my family's Christmas celebration than damn you are wrong. You would rather what? Not celebrate at all than to celebrate it on the actual date? You think it looses it's meaning of I don't celebrate the actual day with you? God damn it, when the hell do you see me complaining when you choose your family over me. You are so judgmental and as well as a hypocrite, you might as well just go in and blame me for everything else. Yeah no point of coming home early from your vocation now that you realize your girlfriend is gonna spend her Christmas with her family? Well okay then, if that is how you feel then please might as well just stay there longer. Because you know other days are not as worthful in compare?
Damn it, wanting you to stop eating junk food all the time is it for my benefit or yours? I dont even know anymore. "nothing can come in between me and food" well okay, gee thanks for making me feel less important than I already am.
Then now even video game is more important than me that you rather hang up while I am talking than to actually hear me talk? Well you know what, I regret thinking about you, I regret worrying about you getting worried of me. And I regret having those excitement that I have when I get to talk to you when I get home. I get to finally have a quite night with you at your house phone convo ing. That finally I can spend the rest of the next two days hopefully with you. And such and such, but then hey, I might be wrong about having those thoughts. Even though you worked so hard to come back on the weekends, though you need video game to relax but god damn hanging on me and just spend the rest of your night on video games, how the hell is that right ?
You don't see me watching drama and go like I must finish this episode before I stop. Or even do anything when I talk to you. No matter what time you call, of I am watching drama, playing a game, writing homework, doodling and chatting with my friends, I would stop and lie down to talk to you. Why the hell can't you do the same thing automatically without me begging you to and nagging you to?
Well my bad, perhaps i should be more acceptance towards who you are and how you are but honestly come on! It's just making me feel like an unimportant object that when you need you have and when you don't need you can just toss her to the fucking side.
Well...am I wrong?
Importance place a huge role in many different things. Would you rather hang out with your family, your friends, or your love one on the weekend or on a holiday tends to be one of the tough questions. Though some choices are harder than others, but it's nearly impossible to choose one of a billion if you know what I mean. It's not like you can always group two together and merge them like photoshop, it doesn't always work out. And sometimes the choices you make may lead to regret but at least you have set your priority straight from the beginning.
He on the other hand does as well, and of course I am not the first thing or even the first set of things on his priority. It sometimes hurt me a lot to to admit the truth, but then again it's true. He chooses education, famil, food and video gaming over me. I am not saying that is wrong or anything since education last a life time in compare to relations so does family, well most of the time. And its totally not wrong to choose them over me. But honestly, if you were to think I am messed up for not ditching my family's Christmas celebration than damn you are wrong. You would rather what? Not celebrate at all than to celebrate it on the actual date? You think it looses it's meaning of I don't celebrate the actual day with you? God damn it, when the hell do you see me complaining when you choose your family over me. You are so judgmental and as well as a hypocrite, you might as well just go in and blame me for everything else. Yeah no point of coming home early from your vocation now that you realize your girlfriend is gonna spend her Christmas with her family? Well okay then, if that is how you feel then please might as well just stay there longer. Because you know other days are not as worthful in compare?
Damn it, wanting you to stop eating junk food all the time is it for my benefit or yours? I dont even know anymore. "nothing can come in between me and food" well okay, gee thanks for making me feel less important than I already am.
Then now even video game is more important than me that you rather hang up while I am talking than to actually hear me talk? Well you know what, I regret thinking about you, I regret worrying about you getting worried of me. And I regret having those excitement that I have when I get to talk to you when I get home. I get to finally have a quite night with you at your house phone convo ing. That finally I can spend the rest of the next two days hopefully with you. And such and such, but then hey, I might be wrong about having those thoughts. Even though you worked so hard to come back on the weekends, though you need video game to relax but god damn hanging on me and just spend the rest of your night on video games, how the hell is that right ?
You don't see me watching drama and go like I must finish this episode before I stop. Or even do anything when I talk to you. No matter what time you call, of I am watching drama, playing a game, writing homework, doodling and chatting with my friends, I would stop and lie down to talk to you. Why the hell can't you do the same thing automatically without me begging you to and nagging you to?
Well my bad, perhaps i should be more acceptance towards who you are and how you are but honestly come on! It's just making me feel like an unimportant object that when you need you have and when you don't need you can just toss her to the fucking side.
Well...am I wrong?
Thursday, October 25, 2012
insecurities
Why doesn't guys have the sense of "reasonablity" in compare to women? They don't understand how jealous women can get at times, they dont understand the insecurity we have either. All they know is oh "I love you" this, oh "I love you" that. But honestly how much do each of those words mean to them actually? I hate guys being close to girls as friends, it never turns well, something always would happen, and then jealousy hits. Then with that in mind, everything is over. I know it may sound stupid, but it's quite true, I mean think about this, if your boyfriend or girlfriend have a close friend who is the opposite sex, and even though you know they say oh this that this that will never happen, yet they hang around all the time, and he/she wears the hand made gift that the other made, then what will you think? Obviously more and more of things that shouldn't be thought about.
Stupid communication, I know you can talk things though, but to girls things are harder to talk though in compare to guys. Guys can be super straight forward and they just sound cute and adorable trying to protect the one they love from others. But as for girls when they go straight forward, it makes them sound greedy, rude, and not lady-like. Oh please, like that is obviously what I am aiming for here. NOT! This is how this retarded society works, you can both be in the same position doing the same thing, but yet still judged differently. I hate these kind of sexist sterotypes, it tends to get on to my bad side.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Weather.
Weather tends to be one of the main keys on people and their attitude towards the day and everything else. Weather is the thing we rely on to help us choose our daily wardrobe and other things. Weather is the main key of events going on in our daily life, without it, it may just seem strange, or rather unlivable.
What gave me this topic out of ransom? These past few days, the weather here in California is extremely cold, cold to a point where it almost nearly seemed like if we're in the middle of the winter when in fact we're just in the mid-falls. These few weeks the clouds been moving and shifting everywhere, which creates this amazing site for many photographer, or people who loves clouds like me personally. My friends tend to think I am extremely weird, been taking pictures of clouds like nearly everyday when I see something worth a picture of. To them, its just a set of clouds that are moving in a rather slow speed, but to me, its a amazing site, its a calming scene, its a beautiful painting or photograph, its art. Of course I am not expecting my readers or anyone else to understand this concept since you know, its just from my point of view, but I hope that you guys at least feel where I am getting at.
For example, on sunny days, you may feel happier than gloomy cloudy days just because the coloring of different scene is brighter when its sunny than when its cloudy. And just like sunny, for raining day it can get extremely depressing, thinking about having to bring an umbrella, having to stay warm and stay dry and all those other stuff. For students like me who doesn't own a car, can't drive yet, and walks home simply because parents refuse to drive me home, I hated raining days. Even since when I was young i hated raining days, since i was a hyperactive kid, every time when it rains, it means I cannot go out and play, I cannot run around without worrying about getting wet and getting lectured. And how cold it is, and how i need to try dry and warm or else I'd get sick. Its those things that gets me when I was young, but still similar things even as I reached older. Walking 45 minutes minimum home, climbing hills tends to be a challenge when its raining, especially those storms with strong wind, unless you have an umbrella that covers your front completely or which ever direction the wind is coming from, one side of your body, most likely the front is going to be soaked as well. And when you're walking home from school, its most likely you'd carry a backpack. Backpack always tends to stick out unless you have a big umbrella, so which makes the situation worst, because you have to worry about the workbook, textbook, and homework that is in your backpack that may get wet, and then you have to either carry it retardedly by the front, or try moving/shifting your umbrella a little behind so then it would cover up the backpack. So just overall day, when it rains, to me its depressing.
It's funny, because in the beginning I wasn't even planning to talk about raining days, I was just thinking about the different scene of the weather, but i guess might as well since I am already here you know. My main point was more towards temperture of the weather rather than the different kinds of weather itself. I was gonna say on hot humid weathers, or even hot dry weather, people's temper tends to bend and change and get grumpy easily over the strangest and the most unreasonable reason there are. In comparison on cold calming weather, though you might be cold and freezing to death, your temper would not be as bad as if you're hot. It's a strange thought but then isn't it true? Even for people who likes the heat more than coldness. Think about this, think about those people who said that and the way they act in different weather and tell me I am wrong. But you know, nature is a sort of art, and we as human beings are all a sort of art. Our attitude, our personality, all are part of arts as well. Maybe that's why we having art in our lives today. Perhaps that was part of the origin of art? Who knows....
Monday, October 22, 2012
Jealousy.
I hate jealousy, it can happen anytime, anywhere, with just about any reason. You tend to get jealous over people having a better life, others having better friends, or boy/girlfriends, even family treatments.
Sometimes it gets overwhelming when jealousy hits, and other times you just feel like anything can happen when insecurity hits. Jealousy and insecurity once crosses each other, their like best friends, like two magnets being super glued together. You cannot separate them, even when events tends to solve itself at times there's really no such thing as a complete trust. At one point in life you're going to end up not trusting your other half in life, especially when their close friend or the friend they end up always hang around is an opposite sex. And they get along way better than you getting along with your other half. You tend to feel like you're losing it, perhaps towards just your own mind or to jealousy and insecurity but for whatever reason it is, most of the time we don't speak of it because it may be embarrassing to talk about it or just simply wanted to act all mighty and strong when simply you're nothing near that when jealousy and insecurity comes.
Funny thing is most of the times it's always the guys having more famine friends than girls having masculine friends. Don't you know I get jealous too? Don't you know even though I don't show it but every time when you talk to one of your friend that is a girl? Haha of course you wouldn't know because I don't tell you things like this. You may think your insecurity is higher than mine, but if I can get jealous of nearly every girl that gets close to you you think I wouldn't be more insecure in comparison to you? You idiot. I care for you too much but I don't express it for some strange reason. Maybe i am just scared and wants to act strong. But why does it hurt so much to act strong? Why does it always hurt to act strong?
But it's not like I can tell you to not make friends with girls. Your nature is to flirt, even if you don't notice. I hate myself for choosing you, but I never regretted it. Even despite the fact that 99% of your friends are all girls and are decent looking ones too. Sometimes makes me wonder if you really do care about how I feel.
Maybe I just think too much, but really, wearing something that someone gives you and that's a girl? I really question myself if you really understand me at all or not. Though I may not know myself much, I am a extremely insecure person that though i trust people easily I don't trust anyone completely. I don't tell people about my personal things much nor do I ever express my sorrow out. I'd rather scream and cry and rage by myself than to tell others. I'd rather shed tears in the corner than to let others see. Though I am social and talk to people a lot and act all crazy no one knows how I think in the inside nor do you. But of course all these wouldn't matter now would it?
Silly me getting depress and insecure and jealous of you wearing the bracelet she made for you. Well thanks for not even telling me about it. because you know it may be the smallest thing to you, to me it's by far the biggest thing. Ha, and to think we'd have a far future and you don't even know I am always so insecure, let's just see how far it's gonna last till you finally notice me in that crowd of girls you flirt. But just saying if you ever touch me with that bracelet on your arm, or even if you're gonna be wearing that bracelet at all don't bother touching me. I am an ambitious woman. Damn it.
Guys, is there any guys out there that actually care about girls and how they feel? Or are those guys already ancient history?
One more question, am I a bit overboard to get jealous of that post on fb? Of a girl giving a guy a bracelet? Of them being such close friends? ): is it really just me and my insecurities?! are there any other girls out there that would feel the same way as me? I think I need a therapist or someone to give me good relationship advice.
Sometimes it gets overwhelming when jealousy hits, and other times you just feel like anything can happen when insecurity hits. Jealousy and insecurity once crosses each other, their like best friends, like two magnets being super glued together. You cannot separate them, even when events tends to solve itself at times there's really no such thing as a complete trust. At one point in life you're going to end up not trusting your other half in life, especially when their close friend or the friend they end up always hang around is an opposite sex. And they get along way better than you getting along with your other half. You tend to feel like you're losing it, perhaps towards just your own mind or to jealousy and insecurity but for whatever reason it is, most of the time we don't speak of it because it may be embarrassing to talk about it or just simply wanted to act all mighty and strong when simply you're nothing near that when jealousy and insecurity comes.
Funny thing is most of the times it's always the guys having more famine friends than girls having masculine friends. Don't you know I get jealous too? Don't you know even though I don't show it but every time when you talk to one of your friend that is a girl? Haha of course you wouldn't know because I don't tell you things like this. You may think your insecurity is higher than mine, but if I can get jealous of nearly every girl that gets close to you you think I wouldn't be more insecure in comparison to you? You idiot. I care for you too much but I don't express it for some strange reason. Maybe i am just scared and wants to act strong. But why does it hurt so much to act strong? Why does it always hurt to act strong?
But it's not like I can tell you to not make friends with girls. Your nature is to flirt, even if you don't notice. I hate myself for choosing you, but I never regretted it. Even despite the fact that 99% of your friends are all girls and are decent looking ones too. Sometimes makes me wonder if you really do care about how I feel.
Maybe I just think too much, but really, wearing something that someone gives you and that's a girl? I really question myself if you really understand me at all or not. Though I may not know myself much, I am a extremely insecure person that though i trust people easily I don't trust anyone completely. I don't tell people about my personal things much nor do I ever express my sorrow out. I'd rather scream and cry and rage by myself than to tell others. I'd rather shed tears in the corner than to let others see. Though I am social and talk to people a lot and act all crazy no one knows how I think in the inside nor do you. But of course all these wouldn't matter now would it?
Silly me getting depress and insecure and jealous of you wearing the bracelet she made for you. Well thanks for not even telling me about it. because you know it may be the smallest thing to you, to me it's by far the biggest thing. Ha, and to think we'd have a far future and you don't even know I am always so insecure, let's just see how far it's gonna last till you finally notice me in that crowd of girls you flirt. But just saying if you ever touch me with that bracelet on your arm, or even if you're gonna be wearing that bracelet at all don't bother touching me. I am an ambitious woman. Damn it.
Guys, is there any guys out there that actually care about girls and how they feel? Or are those guys already ancient history?
One more question, am I a bit overboard to get jealous of that post on fb? Of a girl giving a guy a bracelet? Of them being such close friends? ): is it really just me and my insecurities?! are there any other girls out there that would feel the same way as me? I think I need a therapist or someone to give me good relationship advice.
Reasonings.
What are they? What is reasonings? Why do we fucking need reasonings? Is it because without them we cannot explain ourselves and our emotions? Or is it because without them things become doll and boring. Perhaps less understood? We all have the period of time where we are tired of reasonings and just wished that things could explain itself.
Many of the time people cannot find the reasonings and end up spending their whole life devoting to finding the reasoning. What a stupid logic.
No offense or anything but spending your whole life on finding a reasoning that might be useless, how how is that chance? Sure higher than finding something useful of a reasoning that haven't been found yet.
Why do we sometimes runaway from the reality? The real reasoning? Is it the fear of finding out the truth or is it because of the fact that we already know the truth and reasoning but just in denial ?
Oh how I love our human mind..
Many of the time people cannot find the reasonings and end up spending their whole life devoting to finding the reasoning. What a stupid logic.
No offense or anything but spending your whole life on finding a reasoning that might be useless, how how is that chance? Sure higher than finding something useful of a reasoning that haven't been found yet.
Why do we sometimes runaway from the reality? The real reasoning? Is it the fear of finding out the truth or is it because of the fact that we already know the truth and reasoning but just in denial ?
Oh how I love our human mind..
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Wasn't over.
Many things always tends to come to an unexpected ending. Many tends to be regretful things, like vintage. Vintage was a great person, he did everything to please me. He did everything he can to get me in fact. Yet my heart though did move for him didn't move for his action. Thought many of you I believe don't even believe true love, but Ye and I was definitely true love. My heart beater fast for him, his heart beated fast for me, I really don't think there's anyone else's out there that will give me that kind of feel. I doubt anyone out there can even beat their hearts for me. I knew he is real. And his love for me is real. I can feel it through all those effort he had put in for me, all five years of effort. That short period that he had been with me. Those amazing moments.
Now I moved on, my heartlessness caught on and I moved on. Student decision I sometimes tell myself. But then once again who would care? My current one though does love me and does care for me just like me caring for him and all but our hearts doesn't beat for each other like vintage. Like i said, no one can replace vintage nor how he is like to me, nor those heartbeating moments. I guess I am a hypocrite. A big one too. When I was little always thought oh true love is everything,all those realist are stupid, breaking up with the people they love for what purpose? To get with people with potential or smarter. To get with richer people. Damn it Jenny, you're becoming one of them you know that?
It's been completely over since 4 month and some days ago, but then honestly was I ever over it? Was I? I thought I was when I realize how much I have felt for Now. But was I wrong about that too? I had another dream of vintage again. This time it was some game show, but all students from my high school were there. But I don't know why Danny wasn't there. All I know is I was on charge of passing random seating card to people and everyone was first running around hard to catch and then groups began to sit down at some stadium all of a sudden. But then anyways, I was assigning random cards to random people. And there was William, I gave him a card and walk off then realizing I had his other card and gave him the wrong one, because each were suppose to have two cards that have the same seating. So I went back and grabbed his card and gave him the other one. And Connie was there staring with her lovey dovey eyes. But this was way after I guess I was already with Now because everything felt so awkward and I didn't have the guts to talk to vintage because of all the guilts I had. What should I do? I don't even know anymore....
On this cloudy day, it just makes me think more. Sigh.
Now I moved on, my heartlessness caught on and I moved on. Student decision I sometimes tell myself. But then once again who would care? My current one though does love me and does care for me just like me caring for him and all but our hearts doesn't beat for each other like vintage. Like i said, no one can replace vintage nor how he is like to me, nor those heartbeating moments. I guess I am a hypocrite. A big one too. When I was little always thought oh true love is everything,all those realist are stupid, breaking up with the people they love for what purpose? To get with people with potential or smarter. To get with richer people. Damn it Jenny, you're becoming one of them you know that?
It's been completely over since 4 month and some days ago, but then honestly was I ever over it? Was I? I thought I was when I realize how much I have felt for Now. But was I wrong about that too? I had another dream of vintage again. This time it was some game show, but all students from my high school were there. But I don't know why Danny wasn't there. All I know is I was on charge of passing random seating card to people and everyone was first running around hard to catch and then groups began to sit down at some stadium all of a sudden. But then anyways, I was assigning random cards to random people. And there was William, I gave him a card and walk off then realizing I had his other card and gave him the wrong one, because each were suppose to have two cards that have the same seating. So I went back and grabbed his card and gave him the other one. And Connie was there staring with her lovey dovey eyes. But this was way after I guess I was already with Now because everything felt so awkward and I didn't have the guts to talk to vintage because of all the guilts I had. What should I do? I don't even know anymore....
On this cloudy day, it just makes me think more. Sigh.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)